Q: My man of three years proposed about two months ago. I was very happy to say yes to him. The problem is his ex-girlfriend before me, who he dated for six years.
They are still very close, and he says it is because have known each other since childhood and had an amicable break-up.
He says she knows him better than any of his other friends. They have been friends all through our three years and even though I felt uncomfortable with it, I let it pass.
Now that we are about to get married I feel he should drop his friendship with her so that we can be a proper husband and wife. How do I communicate this to him to make sure he understands and complies?
This is not the right time to focus on a relationship that did not work. The fact is, there was a chance from both ends that did not materialise.
Therefore now that you have made a decision to settle down with your boyfriend, just talk to him politely about the issue. Encourage him to minimise their interaction because it is distracting you.
They do not need to part ways completely but it should be a level that will not make you uncomfortable. If he respects your relationship then I don’t think he will give you deaf ears. Juma Felix, via email.
The key issue is not the history between your boyfriend and his friend; the key issue is whether you have the confidence in your relationship to tell him how you feel without making him feel accused, and whether he will hear your pains and act to make you feel better.
That is how you will know that he really cares about you. However, don’t tell him that you want him to break up with his best friend. Just tell him
how his relationship with her makes you feel and then let him show you how he will handle it.
Jane Adeka, via email.
Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:
In my opinion, it would be the wrong move to try to break up their friendship. Like you said, you have accepted their friendship for three years without any issue.
Their break-up is not going to make your marriage any better; it’s down to whether you trust your man to always be loyal to you with any woman.
If you allow your own insecurities to dictate to your man then that alone can ruin the marriage even before it begins.
Making him feel that he will have to endure a marriage full of rules will eventually kill his love for you and you will end up in a marriage of convenience. If ever he terminates their friendship it should be his choice, not yours.
The worst thing that can happened is for him to agree with you just to see her behind your back. You are better off with the current transparency.
NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA: I have been dating a man for five years now. I’m 40 years old and I have two children – one of them is from him.
We live in different towns. We met long after his marriage ended.
Recently, I found out that he has a live-in girlfriend in the other town. He only visits me maybe once a month. Last year I found out this man infected me with HIV.
This man has taken me to his home to meet his parents. He claims he wants to marry me but still he lives with that lady.
I know for a fact that I don’t need this man in my life. But I’m 40 and I feel lonely sometimes. I have given up on men because my life is ruined. What do I do?