HEART ADVICE: How do I tell her about my illegitimate child?

About four years ago when we were going through a rough patch, I met another lady, we had an affair and we had a child. PHOTO| FILE| NATION MEDIA GROUP

What you need to know:

  • I did not continue the affair with the lady, but I have been sending maintenance money and spending time with my son. I have three children with my wife and I would like them to meet their sibling.
  • So tell her your truth – but you need a strategy to help you out once she starts suspecting you of chasing after every other woman. Maybe you should see a counselor before you confess to help you figure it out.
  • What you need to tell her is that you made a mistake in a moment of weakness but you also took responsibility and did not disown your son.

Q: Hello Maurice. I am a man and I have been married for 10 years. My wife and I have had our problems, but our marriage is generally okay. About four years ago when we were going through a rough patch, I met another lady, we had an affair and we had a child.

I did not continue the affair with the lady, but I have been sending maintenance money and spending time with my son. I have three children with my wife and I would like them to meet their sibling.

Also, I hate living this lie. Which is the best way to introduce the subject to my wife without hurting her feelings, and so that she understands that I am a very faithful husband who only tripped once? Is it possible that she will forgive me?

Readers reply:

You really can’t say you were faithful. The evidence is there that you were not. Whether or not she accepts you after you tell her your story, the children will always belong to both of you and they will still need to meet their sibling. So tell her the truth, hope for the best, introduce your other family to her and do your best to soothe her. If she opts out of the marriage, live with the consequences. All the best. Jenny

Kariuki, via email.

Do whatever it takes to reassure your wife that you are a changed man. Give her your financial accounts to control so that she can be the one who pays the upkeep for the other child from your money, and so that she knows that there is only one child you are maintaining. Pray. You will need God on your side after you tell her your story.

James Nahashon, via email.

One thing you need to understand is that once the seeds of doubt have been sown in a marriage, there is no way for you to recover. If you cheated once, how will your wife know that you are now faithful even if you reassure her? So tell her your truth – but you need a strategy to help you out once she starts suspecting you of chasing after every other woman. Maybe you should see a counselor before you confess to help you figure it out.

Susie W, via email.

What if she tripped and fell pregnant during ‘your break’? If you can answer that then you know the best way to handle it. Zippy Zeep, via email.

MAURICE REPLIES

I recommend that you do not use the word ‘faithful’ as you present your wife with your revelation. Yes, it is possible for her to forgive but you must be prepared to face the music. What you need to tell her is that you made a mistake in a moment of weakness but you also took responsibility and did not disown your son. You also have to highlight that once you tripped you quickly reformed yourself and got back to loving her and the children you share. 

It will not be an easy journey unless she surprises you, but you must sound sincere and emphasise that it has been eating you up for years and you can’t take it anymore. There is no shortcut or alternative avenue to minimise her hurt; you just need to weather the storm and dedicate your time to restoring and maintaining harmony within your marriage.

Next week’s dilemma:

I have been in a relationship with my guy for almost a year now. We are moving on well but I feel fed up. He claims to be a businessman but he has loans of almost Sh4 million that he is concentrating on paying. He provides nothing for me financially. I pay the bills when we go out. He asks for money and even credit from me. I have a job but I don’t earn so much. Worst of all, he has asked me to live with him like his wife.

I feel I am gaining nothing from this relationship and I should just leave him for a better man. He is a good guy in all other aspects but the only problem is that he is not financially stable. What do I do? Should I go on with him? Please help.