How to tell a man to improve his bed game

I have been married for two years and I am entirely unhappy with me and my husband’s sex life.

I had two boyfriends before I met my husband and I was very fulfilled with them, which means I know the problem is not me.

My problem is that I don’t know how to tell him his performance is wanting.

I have tried getting him to visit a marriage therapist with me so we can talk about it in a controlled environment where I will not diminish his ego, but he doesn’t think we need to go.

How does a woman gently go about telling a man that he needs to improve on his skills in the bedroom? Is there an easy way to do it?

READERS’ ADVICE:

It is commendable you realised your husband has a problem and you are willing to solve it. You say you have tried getting him to visit a marriage therapist with no success. May be it could be the way you approach him.

Try to change how you tell him regarding your visit to the therapist and how unhappy you are about the issue by assuring him that all is going to be great after the visit.

Remember he is your husband and you are the only one who knows how well you can convince him. He might be unaware about his predicament and he can only know it by you trying hard to get him a solution. Juma Felix, via email.

The only way to get a man to open up to being corrected in bed is by issuing positive feedback when he does something you like, and encouraging him to keep doing it. Then you can continue building on all the things he does so that you come up with a repertoire of things he does that you like.

This will work better than trying to sit him down to ‘discuss’ all the things he does wrong which will put him off and alienate him from you. Joseph K, via email.

There is no easy way to tell a man that he sucks in bed. Perhaps you should learn to live with it – or just tell him directly and hope there are no consequences after, or that he takes it well and continues with you. Sara, via email.

EXPERT ADVICE

In my opinion, one’s sexual life is extremely important and I encourage you fight for it but you also have to acknowledge that you married this man most likely knowing he was lacking in that department.

I urge you to break down what you like done to you and do not fear to instruct him on how to manoeuvre around your womanly contours.

That is the only way he will begin to understand what it takes to satisfy you. If you are lucky enough to have a non-selfish partner, then there is hope that he will learn how to seduce you to the point of intimacy.

NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA

Hi Maurice, I have been dating this guy for a year now. He says he wants to settle down with me and get married soon, and he is just preparing himself to propose. So far I am happy with the relationship and I really love him.

The problem is that in the run up to the proposal, we have been organising ourselves to be together, and one of the discussions we have had is around HIV. We resolved to get tested together soon but I decided to get the test done on my own first so that I could be prepared.

Maurice, the test came out positive. I am scared to tell him because I am afraid he will leave me. But if we get tested together he will find out anyway and I will still lose him. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. How do I go around this problem?