This week’s reader is wondering what to do about her husband’s child with his ex-girlfriend.
My husband of one year just told me that he just found out that his ex-girlfriend fell pregnant when they were together, and that she never told him.
They split up early in the pregnancy so he only just found out that he has a three-year-old child with her. He wants to be in the child’s life, but I am unsure if I will be comfortable with it.
We don’t have any children yet and I was not ready to be a mother until a few years after we had lived together. Should I tell him that I don’t like the idea? Please advise.
If it's true that indeed your husband has a kid with his ex-girlfriend then you do not need to stop him from being responsible provided he continues to be with you as his only wife.
You do not necessarily have to stay with the child but to just allow him be present in his child's life by doing what he is required to do as a father. In any case this should not distract your marriage since it already happened and paying too much attention to the past will only hurt your young marriage. Juma Felix, via email.
The best way forward is to sit with your husband and share your concerns and fears with him. As you do that, try to understand that a child is very important to both parents. Your husband is taking parental responsibilities like a responsible man. Let him share with you how he intends to go about it. This will help you in deciding whether to go along or not. Please don't discourage him from taking care of the child because it may negatively affect your marriage. All the best. John Wambugu, via email.
Put yourself in the child’s shoes; would you want to see your parent and get to know them? Would you be angry if you found out that your parent’s partner was the one who had stalled the relationship? If you were that child, what would you want you to do? Now go ahead and do that.
Felly Mueni, via email.
Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:
Even though this revelation was not in your plan, children are innocent; they never ask to be conceived nor born. It is important that you support your husband.
These are the hurdles that define your ability and will to shoulder each other. Considering he is your husband can you imagine having a man who denies his own child?
As you have said, he wants to be in his child’s life; you will not be mothering the child but providing vital support that reflects your partnership no matter what. I fear if you attempt to come between him and his decision you will deflect all his attention and energies and kill your bond.