It was fun to watch lovers fight online, but that’s just about it

This past week, Twitter was alight with yet another love gone sour ordeal as exes undressed each other publicly

The first time I witnessed a nasty break up I was around 10. I had accompanied my elder brother to the shop a bit of a distance from our house when we ran into a scene.

There was this man standing on his balcony exchanging nasty words with his wife. It was late evening and relatively silent, except for these two. The wife was going on and on about this man’s equipment - talking about how unqualified it was.

She kept yelling about how it was too small, and that our homeboy over here was not even man enough to wear a trouser, perhaps a kamisi (petticoat).

The dude on the other hand, was not taking it lying down. He went after her chastity. Talking about how the only thing looser than her is the stool of a sick child. They were not pulling any punches. They were going pound for pound, no quarters given.

The rest of the neighbourhood just enjoyed the spectacle. When she threw her insults, we laughed. When he responded, we laughed. There was no loyalty, just entertainment.

Of course the dude lost the war because when it comes to a battle of insults, there is no need for any man to enter that ring. Women are brutal. And he resorted to violence, chasing her down with a stick - and then it was no longer funny.

This past week, twitter was alight with yet another love gone sour ordeal. And just like clockwork, the girl in question took a swipe at his size and he responded with a dig at her morality. It is almost as if there is no other way for childish butt hurt exes to insult each other. Dissing is an art which is sadly lost these days. It’s as if these insults are taught in the 8-4-4 curriculum. But I guess it works, and if it is not broken, why fix it, right?

Still, we cheered. Quarantine can be boring, so if immature people on the timeline want to entertain us with details of their anatomies, then why not? Those Instagram Lives are becoming boring anyway - because everyone and their mother who can afford bundles believe they are interesting enough to talk to us for an hour.

Here is the thing guys, if you watched Spartacus then you know that the crowd will always cheer. It does not matter whether you are the one who kills or the one who is slain. For us netizens, what we want to see is blood spilling.

If a girl tells us that her ex is not well endowed, we will laugh and ask ‘at what point did it become an issue, because you were with him for two years, so why now?’ And when he says that she has done more rounds than an overused joke, we will remind you that in 2020 a woman’s value is not diminished by how many people she has slept with.

The only time I can excuse someone talking smack about an ex-lover is where there was abuse. In which case it will not be trash talk. It will be real. Otherwise, fellas, there is absolutely no reason for you to come online (or offline) to insult your ex.

Nobody - and I say this with love - cares. We also have our own real problems, and yours are nothing more than pantomime and comedy.