PLAIN TRUTH: It’s okay to be unlady-like
One of the young women present was taken with a man in the group. So she animatedly engaged him, asked a string of questions about him which he seemed happy to answer, openly praised his toned physique…nothing I thought out of the ordinary. PHOTO| FILE
What you need to know:
- I don’t know how it ended for these two but this incident, the open disapproval of a woman because she is thought as too unlady like, got me thinking about the countless things that a woman feels like she has no freedom to be because they are out of synch with what it means to be a woman.
This past weekend, I had dinner with a group of acquaintances. One of the young women present was taken with a man in the group. So she animatedly engaged him, asked a string of questions about him which he seemed happy to answer, openly praised his toned physique…nothing I thought out of the ordinary.
Most of the men present, however, seemed to disapprove of her conduct. They seemed to think that she was too forward, too unlady like. One of them even told her so towards the end of the evening. “Wacha kuwa fisi, (Don’t be a predator) a lady shouldn’t come onto a man,” he told her.
According to whom? I wondered. I mean, both men and women are visual creatures, why should we be scandalised when a woman reacts to this natural instinct by flirting?
I don’t know how it ended for these two but this incident, the open disapproval of a woman because she is thought as too unlady like, got me thinking about the countless things that a woman feels like she has no freedom to be because they are out of synch with what it means to be a woman. We go through life thinking that you need to act a certain way, adopt a certain demeanor even if it doesn’t represent who you are so that people can treat you a certain way.
We are too concerned with being socially correct that we are constantly holding ourselves back. So you always sit up right with your ankles crossed, you watch your speech, you never raise your voice. Those around you may be impressed by how lady-like you are, but what happens to you? Since you can’t fully come out of your shell, you resort to passive aggressiveness to get you around life.
Sadly, passive aggressiveness doesn’t always work. Sometimes you need to just speak your mind, to get angry, to yell, and rock the boat a little without worrying that you will seem uncouth or unlikeable. Who came up with these rules anyway? If there is to be a bar to measure womanhood, then it should be based on personal growth or the positive impact that a woman has on society, on those around her, not whether or not she likes to wear frilly clothes.
You see, I do not think that there is just one way to be a woman, there is no such thing as the right kind of woman. There isn’t just one box in the world that all women should fit into. The dictionary describes being lady-like as being appropriate, proper or polite. I do not think that there is only one way to achieve this.
Stop worrying about failing womanhood. All you should be worrying about is being a decent human being. About being polite, respectable, kind and generous whatever side of the unspoken gender rules that leaves you. Allow yourself to be imperfect.
