Lack of feelings spells end of relationship

I get anxious when a couple walks into the sexology clinic and declares that they have no ‘vibe’ for each other.

'LOST THE VIBE'

My anxiety is not unfounded; the first time I heard that expression, things did not end well. It was a case of two young lovers. The girl was 25 while the boy was 27 years old. They had been dating for two years and had agreed to marry. The boy had been introduced to the girl’s parents, part of dowry paid and a wedding date set. The two love birds had been having sex frequently in anticipation of their marriage. Suddenly the lady lost the urge for sex and the man’s attempts to jumpstart her bore no fruit. “I have tried but I think I have lost the vibe for him,” the lady explained.

I interrogated her more to be able to place a diagnosis on what ‘losing the vibe’ meant. She explained that the thought, sight and touch of him no longer elicited sexual excitement in her.

We did the first session of counselling and agreed to meet again but the couple did not appear for their next appointment. Instead I got a call from the woman that they had decided to call it quits.

EMOTIONAL ABUSE

Last month I got more perturbed when a couple who has been married for 10 years walked into the clinic and the woman declared that she had lost her vibe for her husband. The couple, Joan and Richard, had been off sex for eight months and counting.

“He has tried to entice me but it simply doesn’t work. I am numb to his advances,” she said. I took a detailed medical history, did a physical examination and ordered tests to find out if there was a dysfunction in her body. All results were normal. I zeroed down on emotional, psychological and relationship causes of loss of desire. After three meetings with Joan and her husband, I arrived at my diagnosis: Joan’s body was reacting to repeated incidents of emotional abuse by her husband!

You see, there are things you take lightly whenever you talk to your spouse but which, if consistent, cause irreparable damage. For example, your spouse may not have been as good in class as you were. However, you do not have to keep reminding him or her of this. Richard always reminded Joan that she was not the best of performers in mathematics.

HURT

Then there is this thing of comparing your spouse to other people. Joan was very hurt as she described how Richard used this to demean her. “Last week he said that I am a professional dwarf; that my compatriots have been able to buy cars and invest in real estate and yet I keep asking him for small money for upkeep,” Joan explained. Richard also compared Joan’s cooking to others and worst of all, her dress code. “He says I dress like a primitive village girl and sometimes like a harlot,” she said, tears rolling down her cheeks.

But what worried Joan most was their inability to have constructive conversation. Whenever Joan raised an issue that was important to her, she was instantly dismissed. Richard made his decisions unilaterally.

VALUE

Joan now felt worthless and hopeless. As happens under such circumstances, one resigns to their fate. Our bodies follow suit. Sexual pleasure and activity is a direct measure of our ego. If you feel useless, hopeless and worthless, you are unlikely to enjoy sex. Worse still, if you are to have sex with the person who has messed up your ego, you will not get the ‘vibe’.

“Do you think my husband can ever value me? Do I have anything worth valuing?” Joan asked as I prescribed therapy and intimacy coaching for them.

“But you have too many deficiencies, you just need to style up!” Richard blurted, not caring how much damage he continued to wreak on Joan’s ego. Joan broke down and cried uncontrollably. We were back to square one.

I asked the couple to think about whether they were really committed to the marriage anymore. They were to come back the next day to start therapy and coaching.

Two weeks passed and the couple did not come back, then yesterday I got this distress call from Joan: “Richard is now becoming violent and accusing me of undermining him and exposing his family,” she said. “I have found it safe to walk out of the marriage and go back to my mother’s house.”

It was yet more proof that the ‘loss of vibe’ is never a good sign for the survival of a relationship and must be taken seriously when it happens.