Sulking for masculine men 101

Somewhere on the planet, a conversation like this is currently being had: Him: I saw your Facebook picture from last night. Her: Which picture? Him: The one where that guy with a big nose is all over you.

Her: Haha. Oh John? You are so mean. Him: Whatever his name is. He had his hands all over you. Pawing you. Her: Come on, babe, he wasn’t all over me. He just had his hand around my waist. Him: Didn’t look like it. You guys seemed hella cozy with each other. Her: Cozy? Oh please. It’s just John. I grew up with him. Him: You two sure have grown into each other. Her: Haha. Aww, you’re jealous! How sweet. Him: No, I’m not jealous, I’m ticked off!

Her: Why? It’s John! Him: [Mumbling] You guys were holding each other like that on FB and now I look bad. Her: How do you look bad? Babe, we weren’t holding each other – he had his arms around me and it’s just John. John is like my brother. Him: I don’t like that guy. I think he wants you, it’s just that you put him in the friend zone. Her: Really?! Him: Yes, really. Always hanging around you and you, you’re always talking about him – John this, John that. If John is a like a brother to you why can’t he start a church if he’s so brotherly? John the Baptist.

Her: Haha. You so hilarious when you’re jealous! It’s kinda sweet. Him: I’m serious. And please stop calling me sweet. While at it, tell Big Nose to stop placing his hands on my woman or his nose will grow bigger after I punch it. Her: I think you are overreacting, but OK, I’ll pass your message.

He then picks up a newspaper and starts reading, but he isn’t even reading. He’s just sitting there with a newspaper covering his face. She sits there and watches him, trying not to smile because he is being a big baby, throwing a tantrum and causing a stink. She will try initiating a conversation but he will be too busy sulking to reply. Then maybe he will say he’s off to the car wash or that there’s something he needs to take care of, or he’s gone for some air. And he leaves. He will not call, and when he texts it will be one-line responses.

We sulk sometimes, don’t we? We pretend that we don’t want to eat and mumble through dinner (unless it’s chapos because it’s so hard to pretend you don’t want to eat chapos. Chapatis are peace-makers. I can’t sulk when you present me with chapatis. There is something about chapatis that disarms me. No matter how hard I try to be pissed off, chapatis and coconut beans will mellow me. I’m such a letdown, but I’m working on it).

There are rules for sulking, though. First, you can never shrug while sulking. Let’s say she has pissed you off and you want to sulk a bit to make her feel like she is the worst partner north of Limpopo and she asks you, “Would you like me to make dinner or should I order in?” You can’t shrug. It’s petulant. You are a man. Men don’t shrug. The right response is to just sigh loudly, as if you can’t be bothered to make such mundane domestic decisions and then say, “I’m easy with either.”

Also, you can’t say no to sex when you are on a sulk-fest. Let’s just make this absolutely clear: She can say no to sex when she is sulking, but you can’t. Also, you can’t go on about the same thing for too long. You can’t bang on about it in the morning, then have a stab at it at night, then start the same old tirade on WhatsApp the next morning. It’s tiresome. You can sulk for two days and one night but never two days and two nights. Just one night.

You can never say, “Whatever.” when sulking. That’s very adolescent.  Forget what counsellors tell you about being open about your feelings. Counsellors have issues. So you can’t be caught dead making such statements as, “You hurt my feelings,” no matter how hurt those feelings were. You can say, “What you did was so not cool,” or “That was very low of you.” Forget what Oprah says. Be male.

You can’t unearth old stuff up. If you sulked last August because she chose to take herself on a holiday on your birthday, you can’t whine about it this year, saying things like, “Should I make my own plans this year given that you prefer to take trips alone during my birthday?” That’s worse than saying, “You hurt my feelings.” In fact, no man should ever whine about his birthday unless he’s blowing five candles on his birthday cake. Lastly, you can’t sulk every week, and certainly not over small things like she forgot to check up on you when you had that nasty boil on your neck. A boil never killed anyone.

But for the love of God, sulk! Do it silently, not loudly. Say less with your mouth and more with your silence. Oh, and one more thing: when she asks you if you are OK, never say, “I’m fine.” Because you can’t deliver that with the same beautiful and confusing impact a woman can.