MY STORY: I walked out of my abusive marriage

Ann Njeri on how she got out and how she’s faring now. PHOTO| CHARLES KAMAU

What you need to know:

  • I had been married for a little over seven years at this point. You may wonder why I had stayed in it for so long.
  • You see, it hadn’t always been like this. The earlier years had been happier.
  • I was barely 17 when I got married.
  • After dropping out in Form Two, I ran away from our home in Githunguri, Kiambu County and came to Nairobi seeking greener pastures.

“It was my daughter who pulled me out of my trance. It had been a particularly troublesome month in 2011. I had just come back from the hospital for treatment after yet another beating from my then husband. Instead of the usual bruises and the sometimes fractured bones, this time, I had almost lost my eye sight.

“My then seven-year-old daughter walked up to me in our living room in our home in Kasarani and asked me who would take care of her and her two siblings if I died. When she said this, it was as if someone had shot an electric current through my body. I knew then that I needed to leave my abusive marriage.

“I had been married for a little over seven years at this point. You may wonder why I had stayed in it for so long. You see, it hadn’t always been like this. The earlier years had been happier. I was barely 17 when I got married. After dropping out in Form Two, I ran away from our home in Githunguri, Kiambu County and came to Nairobi seeking greener pastures. I thought I found them when I met a dashing, gentle and kind man who loved me and gave me all his attention. I promptly moved in with him and in no time, had my first born daughter.

WAS TRULY HAPPY

“For the first two years, I was truly happy. We didn’t have everything we wanted financially but we had each other and we were happy. Then, something happened. There weren’t any warning signs before this, at least not any that I saw. One minute I was happy and then the next, my husband was getting physical with me.

“First, it was over small things like a glass of water not being the right temperature. Not wanting to involve my family because I was hoping that he would snap out of it, that he would change, I sought refuge in the church. The fights then became about my newfound faith. I don’t remember him being remorseful after beating me. He would say things like, “Ann, ukikaa vyenye nataka, hizi vita zitaisha” (If you toe the line, then there will be no more violence). As it it was my fault that he was beating me. Still, because I still remembered the gentler him and the happier times, I stayed.

“All this changed that fateful afternoon when I realised that I wasn’t protecting my children as well as I thought I had. It dawned on me that they could see my unhappiness and the violent acts. I had wanted to raise my children in a nuclear family, most mothers do. But when my daughter finally spoke out, I realised that I had to make a choice. I chose their happiness and my peace of mind.

MAKING A RUN FOR IT

“Still, it took me a whole year to leave. I had three children. I felt at the time that I couldn’t just walk out of my marriage and back to my mother’s house, which I had ran away from to get married without her blessing. So I kept my head down and refocused all my energy on my small clothes business. I would buy second hand clothes from Gikomba market and hawk them around the estates in Kasarani. I saved every single coin I could spare. Afraid that his knowing of my plans would get him violent, I did everything quietly. Then, at the end of 2012, after eight years, I made a run for it.

“It has been four years now. I am juggling between being a single mother to my three children and running my clothes business which is now much bigger. It was only after my mind was calmer that I discovered that I could sing. To relax my mind, I sing gospel music. In 2015, I recorded my first album titled Mahinda Ma Muico. Singing for me is therapeutic. Sometimes I sing about my past.

IF I COULD RELIVE MY LIFE

“If I could relive my life, would I act differently? Yes. I think I would leave my marriage sooner. I now know that people do not change unless they want to. Your spouse will not change for you, they will only change because they want to. Nonetheless, it wasn’t all for nothing. I believe that surviving that experience is what made me who I am.

“Now, whenever I meet a woman in an abusive marriage, I have just one message for her: Do what you know is right by you, don’t worry about what the society will say.”