How do you handle a man who fakes orgasm? That was the question Jane wanted to be answered when she called me a few months ago.
"It is not the first time he is doing this to me," said Jane. "The first time it happened I was quite offended and I made him know that it was wrong."
Jane said she felt fooled and taken for granted. "I never knew men can fake orgasm. I always thought it was a woman's thing," she continued.
I asked Jane several questions to help me understand what she meant by faking an orgasm. Her husband, she said, seemed to have sex as a marital obligation rather than as an expression of love.
"He jumps on me, with no foreplay, and behaves like a busy cook making ugali, not caring what I feel," she explained. "Within no time, he is out, breathing hard and pretending to be tired."
BORING SEXUAL ACT
What Jane's husband did not know is that because they were not emotionally connected in the act, Jane was able to note his pretence.
Jane's husband was one among the 25 per cent of men who have faked orgasms. Women however fake orgasms more often with up to 60 per cent of them doing it. A quarter of married women fake orgasms.
But why would one fake orgasm? Studies have shown that it is the best and most friendly way to end a boring and tiring sexual act. Sexual partners do not want to disappoint each other and want the act to end amicably.
Most of these pretenders are tired and stressed, possibly due to a busy lifestyle. They do not give sex attention and fear getting into arguments with their partners.
They do not enjoy the intercourse and a point reaches when they just stop it by faking the orgasm.
For others, it is the relationship that is not satisfying. The pretender is not connected emotionally to the partner.
It could be that there is no love in the relationship in the first place, or that there is no trust or that one of the partners has an affair elsewhere.
Sex becomes a tedious affair with no pleasure. The bold partner takes the step to end the sexual act by faking an orgasm.
In a few instances, there could be a medical problem or fear of a problem resulting from sex. It could be that the sex is painful, or that there is fear of pregnancy or disease.
In other cases, there could be guilt which could be grounded on religious or moral values. The thoughts of disease or unwanted pregnancy or the feeling of guilt keep crossing the partner's mind and at some point become overwhelming.
Whatever the reason may be for faking an orgasm, it is important to note that it is totally against the natural purpose of sex.
Sex does not just give physical pleasure, there is something divine and supernatural about it.
Repeated studies by sex researchers have shown that good sex leads to enhanced self-esteem.
The person's feeling of well-being goes up and there is a feeling of emotional healing. This improves a person's happiness and gives them a positive outlook on life.
People who have healthy sex feel loved and radiate love and compassion to others. They have a sense of acceptance, beauty, reverence, grace, and rejuvenation.
They feel powered to face life; they get a better sense of spiritual connection with their God.
Healthy sex is therefore not just good for the body but also for the spirit and the soul. It is no wonder that most religions dedicate a fair amount of focus on sexuality and relationships and relate this to godly behaviour.
Faking orgasm makes sex shallow. It is a symptom that the sex or the relationship is no longer healthy and needs attention.
Unhealthy sex destroys emotions and well-being of the people involved and influences the way the affected person views life and other people. Unhealthy sex is not good for life.
Back to Jane's situation: The couple went through counselling and it turned out that the relationship was on the rocks.
There was no longer trust as love had died for ages. There were also frequent fights. Jane's husband was indulging in sex with her to avoid being questioned about extramarital affairs.
He did not enjoy the sex and the faster he could end it the better he found it to be. After some counselling sessions, the emotional connection was re-created and intimacy developed.