MY STORY: Mum died before I could forgive her

Winnie Salome PHOTO| COURTESY

What you need to know:

  • I grew up with about seven cousins who I perceived as siblings. My grandma could not afford to feed all of us and we would spend days and nights hungry.

  • My mum would visit during holidays and I would just look at this beautiful woman from Nairobi and admire her.

  • I couldn’t understand how my mum lived in Nairobi yet we were starving.

Winnie Salome spent most of her life feeling unwanted. She harboured bitterness, anger and rejection as she grew up without the love of a mother. She narrates her story to Soni Kanake.

“My name is Winnie Salome, a HR professional. When I was born, almost three decades ago, my parents were still in college and could barely raise me. Mum took me to my maternal grandmother at two months old. She was in campus when she found out she was pregnant with me, and my dad got a scholarship and had to travel abroad to study.

“Mum continued with school and when she went on attachment she met my step-dad. Unfortunately, I could not join them in Nairobi and mum left me behind with granny. Growing up in the village was one of the toughest times of my life. I grew up with about seven cousins who I perceived as siblings. My grandma could not afford to feed all of us and we would spend days and nights hungry.

“Granny did her best to ensure she instilled discipline in us and is like a mother to me. My grandfather was my person and I was his person. He was present, a father figure and a gentleman who taught me how to speak English and Kiswahili.

“Despite the love of my grandparents, I deeply missed motherly love. My mum would visit during holidays and I would just look at this beautiful woman from Nairobi and admire her. She was perfect in my eyes; polished English, nice nails, haha, I still remember her nails. Mum often sent money to Granny, which would be used to buy food for all of us, including my cousins.

“Often times it wasn’t enough for all of us. I came to learn later that my dad was supportive of me from birth and often helped out. For a very long time I was told I did not have a father. It broke my heart because mum would come to visit and go back alone, without me. I would shower, get ready and pack on the day I knew she was going back but she would wave goodbye. I couldn’t understand how my mum lived in Nairobi yet we were starving. By the time I came to live with mum, there was a disconnection. I have never called her 'mum'. It was really hard to. Some days I was so heartbroken and I just felt I was missing something, someone to talk to, a parent.

“Lack of parental love made me feel rejected. I was also clingy and I didn’t want anyone to leave; I was desperate. I struggled with identity crisis and battled self-esteem issues for long. When I met someone who treated me well, I felt I had to give something to maintain it. I struggled establishing relationships with the opposite sex until I actually decided to stop dating and heal first.

“When dad came back from Russia I was already in Standard Four. I remember he came and brought me a three-piece dress. He gave me some money to buy what I needed and promised to come back again. He also promised that if I was number one in our class that term, he would buy me a bike but unfortunately, that was the last time I saw him during my childhood.

“Several years later when I was in Form Two, I got his number from my mum’s phone and decided to call him. A woman picked his phone who introduced herself as my step-mum. My dad later came to Nairobi and we met and picked up from where we had left off. The years that followed were tough; I was so broken and bitter and it took me quite awhile to see his good intentions for me. He had tried severally to be active in my life but my family from my mum’s side would not hear of it.

"I lived with him for a while after campus as he had already relocated to Nairobi. We had issues connecting but with time, his support made it so easy. Today, he is my friend. He has been in my life for years now. He has watched me grow from a bitter, hurt, angry person to the per-son I am today. Still a work in progress but at the best place I have ever been my whole life.

“Unfortunately, we lost mum in 2008 while I was still very bitter and it got worse. Life was difficult for all of us, including my half-siblings, and mum’s death made things worse. I always knew mum and I had a lot to work on in terms of our relationship but I never expect the end to be so near.

“None of my friends knew what I was going through, they just knew I had anger issues. There's something about loss; nothing anyone one does for you is ever enough. I started going out to run away from the hurt and bandage some of the pain I was feeling. My faith was my divine turn-around and knowing Jesus broke this way of thinking and gave me a new identity. I forgave my mum. I had one of the best cries in my life. It was a cry that was not sad but was letting go of the unhealthy feelings I had in me. Unfortunately, this came long after her death.

“I think my life would have turned out differently with my parents but I wouldn't want it any other way. My experiences made me pick HR as a course I wanted to do. I am real, compassionate and able to pick someone up, no matter how low they are.”