My cheating boyfriend infected me with an STI

Q: I have been dating a man for five years now. I’m 40 years old and I have two children – one of them is from him. We live in different towns. We met long after his marriage ended. Recently, I found out that he has a live-in girlfriend in the other town. He only visits me maybe once a month. Last year I found out this man infected me with HIV. This man has taken me to his home to meet his parents. He claims he wants to marry me but still he lives with that lady. I know for a fact that I don’t need this man in my life. But I’m 40 and I feel lonely sometimes. I have given up on men because my life is ruined. What do I do?

READERS REPLY

I really empathise with what you are going through. However I need to encourage you not to lose hope about your status. HIV is not the end of life but a condition that can be managed. Five years is a long time in dating and I feel like this guy is just playing games with you. Forgive him and move on. Please concentrate on raising your children as you wait for the right partner. Kindly don’t fall into this guy’s manipulations any longer. God bless you! John Wambugu, via email.

The writing is on the wall. The guy infected you with HIV and to add an insult to injury, he lives with another woman. What makes you think you are important to him yet he sees you once a month? Live your life. Swallow the bitter truth pill that this guy doesn’t love you. Think of ways to raise your kids. Also accept your condition and take everything positively. Your kids need you. All the best. Calvin Queens, via email.

HIV is not the problem. With some medical guidance, you will live a long and fruitful life. This is not to say that you should disregard the fact that this man has infected you; all I am saying is, deal with the anger but know there is life after. The bigger issue is the fact that this man is dishonest with you. You already know he is living with another woman; how about you take that as a signal to move on? Your life is not over. You are still young. You will find love again no matter the circumstance you are in right now. Flo Njenga, Nairobi.

40 is not old, and nothing you are going through is a death sentence. Keep hope alive, sister. And meanwhile, dump the guy you are with. He is no good for you.

Alex Mwaura, via email.

EXPERT ADVICE

In my opinion, I believe the minute you established he lives a double life and that he also infected you, then the psychology of your relationship changed and will be near impossible to ever go back to what it once was before. Especially with you having mixed feelings about him, you just need to ask yourself of what value is he in your life right now. As you said your business is not stable so he may be relevant financially to make sure your kids don’t go without. It is entirely up to you but I would advise that you work on your independence so that if you decide to exit you are in a position to care for your family. In regards to him changing, that will be a tall order if you were think of waiting for him to change and only be committed to you solely.

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NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA

I have been single for two years. I recently met a guy who has been separated from his wife for eight months and he says he is gearing up to file for a divorce. My problem is that I am now ready for a long-term commitment and marriage, and I feel like a man who is only eight months out of a serious relationship can only be on the rebound. This man says he loves me – but again, I feel like he may not understand his emotions and maybe he thinks he is in love while in actuality, he is merely infatuated or on the rebound. How can I tell his true feelings? If he were longer past the divorce I would fall for him as he is perfect in every other way, but I am really confused. Please help.