I have been married for close to five years now, and we have a child. My concern is that my husband puts his family before us always. He pays school fees for his siblings and financially takes care of his parents.
While that is not quite the problem, I feel he puts us last as he expects me to take care of our family. He wants me to pay all the bills, do the shopping, pay our son’s school fees, fuel our cars and says the only thing he will do is pay our rent. How do I make him see we come first? Or is it time to walk away, now that they say you can’t make a man change?
Financial differences in a marriage may cause the collapse of a union if not addressed. In your case, you feel that your husband is not doing enough at the expense of his extended family. It is important to have a serious talk with him and express your dissatisfaction.
Make him understand that you are not against him supporting his parents and siblings, but he must as well meet his obligations as a father and man of the house. It would be wise if you could share responsibilities in the house. All the best.
Calvin Queens, via mail
It’s OK for your husband to look after both sides. But focusing too much on his family’s side and leaving you with all the responsibilities you have mentioned is unfair. You need to have a discussion with him on how to share the responsibilities. Remember not to start a conversation in a manner that is likely to push him away. Just be positive about every single talk. Quitting your marriage is not the solution.
Juma Felix, via mail
As soon as two people get married, they should sit together and identify major financial priorities. Your husband needs to understand his responsibilities to the family.
Talking about money is not always a pleasant thing but is necessary if two people are to share a life together. The key to solving money issues lies in effective communication between you and your spouse so that you both can work as a team towards accomplishing your financial goals.
Joan Wairimu, via mail
The problem is with your man, he has not appreciated the fact that he is married, and his view of marriage is distorted. The Bible says that … for this reason, a man shall leave his mother and father, and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.
In your case, you are not one but two people with opposing viewpoints. While you are focusing on how to build your family, your husband is still stuck in his family. Even though it isn't bad for him to help his family, any help, be it to your family or his family, must be done in a balanced way and in agreement — it shouldn't be at the expense of his wife and children. Harvest Missions, via Facebook
In my opinion, I believe your husband feels a degree of obligation towards taking care of his siblings and parents. Which does not make him a bad man, if anything it shows his level of responsibility and commitment. Unless you and your husband are not friends, he must have stipulated the terms based on his valid assumption that the two of you would manage both families as a partnership.
There is clearly nothing wrong with that, however if you are of the mentality that a husband’s key role is to provide without your input then I see where your problem lies. A modern productive relationship is where both the husband and wife chip in and work hand in hand always having each other’s back. Perhaps you need to rethink your mentality and safe guard a good man even though your psychology to marriage clouds that fact.
NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA
I am a 28-year-old woman. I have been married for a year and three months now.
My husband is a wonderful man. The problem is that before we met, he had a child with another woman. He told me about them when we began dating and I had no problem with it.
Now, since we got married, this woman calls his phone constantly. She always seems to have a problem. Sometimes she will say the child is sick, sometimes she needs money for this or that or sometimes the child wants to talk to her father. She will call even late into the night.
I feel like she is behaving like his wife when he already has a wife. Sometimes I wonder whether there is something else going on besides the child. I was thinking of sitting my husband down and suggesting that all communication from this woman be channelled through me. Will I be unreasonable? Please help.