I am a 28-year-old woman. I have been married for a year and three months now. My husband is a wonderful man.
The problem is that before we met, he had a child with another woman. He told me about them when we began dating and I had no problem with it.
Now, since we got married, this woman calls his phone constantly. She always seems to have a problem.
Sometimes she will say the child is sick, sometimes she needs money for this or that or sometimes the child wants to talk to her father.
She will call even late into the night. I feel like she is behaving like his wife when he already has a wife. Sometimes I wonder where there is something else going on besides the child.
I was thinking of sitting my husband down and suggesting that all communication from this woman be channelled through me. Will I be unreasonable? Please help.
It must be hard to feel like you a playing second fiddle to the other woman who has a child with your husband.
This is more so when she’s in constant communication with him.
It gets worse when she has the nerve to call late at night. Let your husband know that this constant communication with the other woman is making you feel uncomfortable.
Tell him you appreciate the fact that he has to take care of his child, but suggest some decent hours when the other woman can call.
The calls should also be strictly out of necessity because the other woman may still be having feelings for your husband. Keep it as subtle as possible so that your husband does not think you are trying to drive a wedge between him and his child.
Suggesting that all communication be channelledd through you will not work. All the best.
Dennis Njoroge, via mail
There is an incomplete equation among the three of you. Chances are your husband did not disclose all information to you.
But it's not late for him to clear the air. You therefore need to have a chat with him. Let him know how inconveniencing it is for his ex to constantly call and send him texts.
You don’t need to stop them from communicating but let him moderate it in a way that will not make you feel left out as you also allow him to take care of his baby.
Juma Felix, via mail
Express your discomfort to your hubby and if he's reasonable enough, you two should sit down and work out a comfortable way of bringing up his child. But again that is only possible if there's nothing going on between him and his baby mama.
Esther Odhiambo, via Facebook
An occasional message at night is fine if it’s about something important pertaining to the child. But when it’s common for the baby mama to text your husband all times, it shows a lack of respect for your relationship on her part, and a lack of respect on his part as well for not drawing a line. It’s upon him to draw the line and get his house in order.
Lucy Kiboi, via mail
Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:
Do not allow your insecurities to cloud rational thinking. You said your husband is a wonderful man and usually wonderful men tend to care for their family.
His child with the other woman is his responsibility so allow him to play his part. I am sure you would not want him to disconnect with your child so don’t make it a living hell just because of his current dynamic.
The only practical thing you can request is that his ex stops contacting him at certain hours. For the sake of your marriage, refrain from being controlling or enforcing strict laws in your home, otherwise you will come to regret that choice once you push your husband away thinking you are protecting your marriage.
It is important you know that your insecurity can drive him into her hands. Concentrate on your relevance instead of making the other woman seem like a threat.
NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA
I am 27 years old. Before my fiancé and I started dating in 2017, we had been friends for more than 10 years.
We grew up in the same neighbourhood and schooled together. One thing that he has known about me all these years is that I have always wanted to pursue my masters outside the country.
I have always dreamed of experiencing another country’s way of life and education system.
Occasionally, he shared with me several scholarship opportunities that he came across.
Recently, I got an offer letter from one of the universities I had applied and to my dismay, he doesn’t want me to go for the one-year course.
He says I can still study here. Notably, we were to wed in December and by me leaving, he feels that those plans will stall. I love him but I also don’t want to give up this opportunity. What do I do?