“My mother died… and I tried to join her”

Maryliz Ogutu was only 14 when she lost her mother. She slipped into depression, suffered from anaemia and fainted frequently. She shares her journey of recovery with Soni Kanake.

"My name is Maryliz Ogutu, the fourth born of six siblings. I'm 23 years old and a trained peer counsellor and teacher. Currently, I am a system administrator at Medileads Agencies in Kisumu.

“I lost my mum when I was in my early teens and my life changed for the worst as I slipped into severe depression, which I have fought for nearly 10 years. The loss of my mum triggered intense feelings of grief, which eventually led to depression.

"In 2009, I joined Form One at Ulanda Girls High School. I was excited. However, my mother died as we got into third term of my first year in high school. She hadn't been sick; she had suddenly fallen ill and was gone in no time. The shock was too much for me to comprehend at such a tender age. Everything happened too fast and I didn't have time to mourn my mother or allow the thought of departure to sink in.

“That October was the hardest month of my life. We buried her and I resumed my studies, but I could hardly concentrate. My daily routine was punctuated by tears and I could not attend lessons. I was reduced to a walking zombie.

COUNSELLING

“Our principal realised something was amiss and recommended I see the school counsellor. As my classmates embarked on revision for our end of term examinations, I was engrossed in my counselling sessions. Sadly, I wasn't able to share my pain and I did not heal. I felt like nobody cared about the pain I was feeling; pain I had learned to hide and pretend that all was well. Those around me must have thought I was coping with my loss as I walked around with a fake smile and continued with my studies like all was well. I think my classmates and close friends were afraid of asking about my emotional state as they must have imagined they would hurt me more. In hindsight, I realised that no one can fully comprehend the pain of losing a loved one. Even if they have lost someone dear to them, people mourn differently and some are able to heal faster. Unfortunately, I was not one of those. I was crushed on the inside.

“On many occasions I just wanted to die and one time I had it all planned out... I went to my sister's (who is a doctor) cabinet and secretly removed a syringe and a drug that I intended to inject myself with when I got to school. At least that would end my misery, I thought. But I could not muster enough courage to end my life.

“By the time we were commemorating mum's first death anniversary, sadness and numbness had become my constant companions and I could no longer recognise the girl in the mirror. I lost my appetite and due to not eating well, I lost weight, primarily because subconsciously I wanted to die.

"Here I was, a year after my mum died, struggling to find happiness in my life once again. During my worst days, I could not drag myself out of bed and faked sickness so as not to attend lessons. My class teacher, Sr Lillian Akinyi Oyula, was a motherly lady who reached out to me and kept track of how I was doing. Three years breezed past and in the company of good friends and the teacher who I considered like a mother. I thought I was healed of the depression.

EASING THE PAIN

“In September 2013, I joined Maseno University and that was when I realised I was still deeply troubled. I realised I did not want to be around people and this isolation started killing me slowly. My poor feeding habits were back and dad thought I was losing weight because they underfed me in college. He demanded I go home every weekend and doubled my pocket money to ensure I was okay. But things seemed to get worse as I started experiencing frequent fainting episodes. I also frequented the hospital quite a bit as I was always exhausted and fatigued. One day I fainted in my room after a lecture and was rushed to the campus hospital.

“Ironically, I was fine though my haemoglobin level was low and necessitated iron supplements to boost my blood count. I knew it was time to face my fears when my semester was almost suspended due to my poor health status. I sought out my former high school class teacher, Sr Oyula, as I felt close to her. She shared in my grief and helped me get out of depression.

"She told me if I wanted to die, I wouldn't die for my family; they would bury me and carry on living. She cultivated my faith and I can now face God in prayer when troubled. She made me see that I was living my life for me and constantly followed up on me asking, "Are you okay my daughter?" She became my other mum.

“While I was frustrated that those around me could not ease my pain, I realised there was a part of suffering I had to bear on my own. Overcoming depression is a constant battle I have to fight but therapy and self-care have made it possible.

“There are days when depression tries to sneak back into my life but the coping skills I have learned over the past four years come in handy. I am in a good place and I’m now able to control my emotions.”