HEART ADVICE: My stepdaughter is ruining my marriage

This week we advise a woman who is at loggerheads with her husband because of her stepdaughter. PHOTO| FILE| NATION MEDIA GROUP

What you need to know:

  • Have a candid chat with your husband on how to mutually raise your stepdaughter in one voice, so that one parent isn’t seen as the evil parent while the other is the angel.
  • It is natural for your husband to defend his flesh and blood, but now that you are part of the family, you need to collaborate to create harmony at home.

I got married to a man with a 12-year-old daughter. Initially things were going well, until a few months ago, when his daughter who was living with her mother, came to live with us.

My problem is that in her father’s eyes, she can do no wrong; she always tries to put me at loggerheads with her father with endless lies, and when it comes to her, my husband always takes her side and doesn’t listen to my side of the story.

She often lies to her father that I have beaten her, yet I have never laid a hand on her. I can’t even discipline her when she does wrong because that will stir a fight between me and her father.

My one-year marriage is under strain because of my stepdaughter. I asked my husband to send her back to her mother, but he refused. Will things get better with time? I don’t have kids of my own yet, so I feel like walking out and starting afresh with a single man without kids. Please advise me.

 

READERS’ ADVICE

You are not the problem. Neither is the girl or her father. Raising a stepchild is a daunting task for most and children have a hard time adapting to change, especially in situations where their mothers are absent.

They resort to lying, sulking and anger outbursts because they feel insecure. While a 12-year-old needs her space, she also needs guidance, so take charge as the woman of the house and treat her like your very own child, because she is.

Don’t push your husband to take sides. Asking him to send his daughter back to her mother may trigger negative emotions. Be patient, kind and loving because this relationship needs your input too. Start perfecting your parenthood skills on your stepdaughter. Things will get better and soon you will be the best mother in the world.  Movince Oduor

 

Don’t walk out of your marriage and don’t send the girl back to her mother because this is a problem for which a solution can be found. Find a way to befriend her and bond with her. Find things you share an interest. Find out what she likes and use that to win her over. Thirdly, let her father handle all her discipline issues and be patient because things will get better with time. Ogola Anthony Otieno

 

Maybe there is something about you that she doesn’t like and you need to know what that is to be able to go around it. Win her over by learning what she likes. When you earn her trust, she will open up, but you have to be patient. Chantal Shanique Topas

 

Your daughter sees you as a threat who will take her place in her father’s heart the same way you displaced her mother from her father’s life. Having a heart-to-heart with her and her father to dispel those fears will help. Look for ways to make connections with her and she will open up to you about her fears.

Janelle Nina

EXPERT ADVICE

Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:

Before you pack up and leave, try to resolve this problem gradually. These are just teething problems that come with blending a family. It appears as though you were not ready for the living arrangements involving your husband’s daughter, who really is now your child. It is important to have the dialogue that should have been had before she came to join you to help you navigate this situation.

Have a candid chat with your husband on how to mutually raise your stepdaughter in one voice, so that one parent isn’t seen as the evil parent while the other is the angel.

It is natural for your husband to defend his flesh and blood, but now that you are part of the family, you need to collaborate to create harmony at home. Your daughter is just resisting change, but if she sees that you have the support of her father, she will be more cooperative. Don’t see her as your enemy, but as a child throwing tantrums as a way of communicating a message. Finding out what that message is and working to allay her fears will help you navigate your relationship with her.