Money, grooming and the state of dating in the Kenyan setting

Last week, a video clip that featured a blind date gone wrong went viral on social media. In the video clip dubbed ‘Perfect Match’, three Kenyan women went out on a date with a young Kenyan man.

The ladies’ appearances suggested that they were from well-to-do backgrounds.

The young man, though, was quite the opposite. For a start, he was from the economically disadvantaged Kawangware area that borders the more affluent Lavington estate.

He wore shaggy hair, jeans, a vest and a loose jacket. His poor grooming killed his chances of finding love from the word go, as all the three women raised concerns on why he was poorly dressed. This was aggravated by his poor salary and bad table manners.  

This video clip has gone on to elicit sharp questions on the state of love and dating. Has love been commercialised? Isn’t this the way every man starts his journey in life? Should you date a poor man or not?

Lucy Aswani, who runs a tours and travel company in Nairobi, says that it is very important for a man to be financially stable while dating. “I have previously dated a man who made less money than I do. Although our relationship had started in earnest and had the promise of ending up at the altar, it soon hit the rocks because of our earnings,” she says.

Her partner was in a perpetual state of insecurity. He feared that Lucy would sit on him because of her financial superiority. Consequently, he would find minute flaws in the relationship and fly off the handle in an effort to exert his manliness.

“I cannot count the number of times he uttered the words ‘man of the house’ to me,” she says. To make matters worse, since Lucy’s business diary entails a lot of traveling, her man began to demand that he accompany her wherever she traveled.

“If I was accompanying a group of tourists to Samburu, my man would demand to be on the trip to keep an eye on me. He couldn’t accept that I would stay faithful to him regardless of our pay gap,” says Lucy who is in her 30s.

In the end, Lucy decided to walk out of the relationship. “I truly loved him and would have wanted things to work out between us, but I was also conscious that he would never accept my go-getter financial attitude,” she says.

“Moreover, I was not ready to marry a man who would limit my entrepreneurial efforts or my pursuit for success in business.”

The fear by Lucy’s partner that he was being sat-on could not have been so far-fetched, if a view expressed by one of the ladies on the viral video clip is anything to by. On her date with Dennis, a lady who identifies herself as Akoth says that she would sit on a man who earns less than her. This is not a solitary view.

Millicent Ngari, who is a 28-year-old banker in Nakuru, says that she would also find it hard to respect a man who brings home thinner bacon.

“I leave home at around 6.30am in order to avoid morning traffic jam and get to my workstation a few minutes to 8am. Some days I get a heavy work schedule on my desk that I leave the bank late in the evening. I cannot then imagine a man who is earning less than me lazing around on the couch at home as he waits for me to return and cook or wash his underwear,” she says.

NOT A FAN OF POTENTIAL

Her views are echoed by Mirriam Awiti, who operates an events and catering business in Nairobi. For Mirriam, it is better to regale in the comfort of a financially loaded man than a hustler loaded with potential. “Having potential does not mean you’ll get rich. Heri nilie kwenye Range Rover kuliko nilie mguu!” she says.

“I don’t want to be the woman who panics because it is end month and my man has no cash to pay rent.” She adds a new angle by saying that a man ought to have enough cash for her needs and the needs of his extended family. “A man’s clan will always want a pie of his cash whether he owns a fortune or not. If he is unable to send something to his mother, how will he be able to take care of you or your kids?” she asks.  

There are women, though, who feel that money in relationships is overrated. Take Eunice Njoki, the founder and CEO of Eunema Errands, a courier and errands company based in Nairobi.

Njoki says that she wouldn’t have an issue with a partner who makes less money than her.

“We all want to make more money, yet we cannot all earn equally. The woman of today is more economically empowered and is even earning much more than many eligible bachelors. Does this mean she should not try to find love from these bachelors?” she poses.

She says that while it will be good if a man earns more, she will be ready to grow with him if he doesn’t. “As women, we tie too much attachment on money. I feel that apart from the bank balance, we should consider other attributes that will strengthen us financially in potential partners.

For example, we might earn much more, but be extremely poor at managing money and growing wealth. Similarly, he might earn much less, but be extremely good at managing money, investing and growing wealth,” says Njoki. This is echoed by Celestine Musa, 32. For her, financial stability will be a bonus.

“What I am keen on is whether the man has a drive and passion for success, especially in entrepreneurship. This allows me to tell if we can build and grow together or whether he will just drag me down,” she says. Nonetheless, for many women, where a man resides will tend to matter more than the size of his wallet.

“Where a man lives matters a lot because his environment will ultimately influence his thinking. It should not be that he currently lives in a slum, but that he once lived there, but out of determination, worked his way out of it,” says Njoki.

While money may be a top priority for some women, there are others who are put off by how a man grooms regardless of the weight of his wallet.

NOT ALL ABOUT FINANCES

“It is not all about finances. He can be wealthy but filthy,” says Janet Waithera, a 30-year-old who runs an agrovet business in Nyahururu. A year ago, Janet says that she was in a relationship with a financially well off man whom she ended up breaking up with due to his poor hygiene.

“He had good money, a fleet of matatus and was in the lucrative large scale wheat farming,” she says. But then there was this bad whizz of smell that hovered around him.

“Today it would be stinky socks, tomorrow sweaty, unshaved armpits, and the day after recycled shirts,” she says. “He also had these long nails on his pinkie fingers which literally pissed me off.”

Whenever Janet prodded him to get his act clean, he would always tell her that he didn’t have the time. He was too busy chasing money. How can you be so busy that you hardly have the time to take a shower? I just couldn’t stand it,” she says.

Robert Burale, an image consultant based in Nairobi says that these women may not be so wrong. He points out that regardless of his earnings, a man will communicate a lot about how he takes life and responsibilities by the way he grooms.

“You can’t go to a date in a shirt that is not ironed, unkempt hair, long, dirty nails and still expect to get an approval,” he says.

There is also the fear that men who have pulled themselves from poverty to riches are arrogant and stingy, which causes women to shy away from dating them. Musa says that she was previously in a relationship with such a man.

“I admired the fact that he had seen the worst in life and gone on to beat it. But then I realised that he was arrogant and condescending. He would throw words such as ‘Your family is rich and can get you a richer husband! You can’t go to a government hospital because you’re used to expensive private ones! Your rich family doesn’t need my dowry!’” she says.

A year later, she terminated the relationship because it had turned into a circus of trying to prove that she was not dating him for his money.

Are are men willing to get into relationships with women who earn much more than they do? As we found out, many men would rather be the top earners.

“I would not be very comfortable in such a relationship because it would take away my ego,” says Kennedy Omollo, a 34-year-old who runs a series of banking agencies in Nakuru town. He adds that in such a relationship, there will always be power struggles.

“As a man, you’ll end up being cut down to size,” he says.

Some men will have no problem dating financially well-off women but will shy away from marrying them.

“I can date a woman who earns more than I do, but cannot marry her. A man thrives on his standing in society, and in such a setting, you’ll be rubbished for being a kept man,” says Japheth Wang’ondu, a 36-year-old IT expert.

But then, there are also men who will have no qualms dating and marrying women who earn much more. 29-year-old clinical officer, Jose Kibet is one of these.

He says that a marriage takes two to tangle and so do finances in relationships.

“The trick is in getting a woman who shares the same financial vision, and with whom we can sit down and agree on how to meet our goals with the total sum we earn,” he says.