Should you tell your partner that you cheated on him?

Sometimes cheating starts as something innocent that sucks you in to the very end, where you realise that you have crossed the line, and start feeling weighed down with guilt and regret. This feeling of guilt can be so burdensome, and the only way to feel relief is by coming clean, or so you think. Is it a good idea to confess to your partner that you cheated on him?

While the ideal relationship is based on honesty, oftentimes, coming clean leads to more problems. According to Dr Jane Greer, a marriage and sex therapist and author of What About Me? the decision you make should be based on what you can live with.

 “You will not always work through the issue. If you know that your partner will be unforgiving, and that coming clean will destroy your relationship, then keep the affair and the guilt to yourself,” she says.

Additionally, according to psychologist Patrick Musau, revealing that you had an affair will not go down well with your partner.

“Besides feelings of betrayal, they might also struggle with trusting you and your future fidelity, and this will erode intimacy,” he says.

Mira Kirshenbaum, the author of When Good People Have Affairs, on the other hand, observes that there are exceptions to withholding information about cheating.

“If you’re having an affair and you haven’t used protection, you must tell your partner regardless of how many times you’ve done it,” she says, adding that in the event of a sexually transmitted disease, your relationship will be less likely to survive.

Moreover, she says, you must confess to your partner if the chances of your partner discovering the affair are high.

 “If you’re going to be found out, you are better off making the confession yourself, rather than waiting to be confronted with the evidence.”

Her sentiments are echoed by Dr Chris Hart, a psychologist based in Nairobi. According to Dr Hart, if it is clear that you have been busted, own up to your actions straight away. Do not drag your partner into a web of denial and counter-accusations.

“Don’t even think of blaming your spouse for what happened. Instead, emphasize the physical rather than the emotional aspect of the affair, and say that you really don’t know why you did it,” he advises.

“Insist that it was a terrible mistake which you’ll never repeat, and state that the other party wasn’t special at all.”