The devil in disguise

“As long as it hurts, it is abuse.”

So says Nairobi-based psychologist Ken Munyua. We’re discussing the covert signs of relationship abuse. This should be obvious, and yet, a steady diet of sappy soap operas, romance novels and unhinged relationship advice has left a significant number of women defining love in questionable ways. This cloudy state has meant that women are oblivious to – or flat out ignore – the red, orange and black flags in their relationships.

Psychology experts say that how you feel about your relationship – scared, anxious, depressed, walking on egg shells – is a strong indicator of whether there is covert abuse in your relationship.

So where is the divide? “When someone seems like they are controlling you, like your life revolves around them, that is not love. If he is always nagging you, asking ‘why didn’t you tell me good night, not even good morning, who are you meeting with, how are you connected to them’, that is not being a ‘caring guy’,” says Munyua.

Women hold many misconceptions about how an abuser looks, and many women wrongly profile the men they meet. This means that they often have their guard down when exposed to abusive behaviour.  But as 30-year-old Makena* found out, danger lurks everywhere.

“This guy was a self-made man and had vast business interests,” she says. “In the beginning, I noticed he had a habit of namedropping and showing off, you know, ‘I own this, and do that and have all these businesses around the world’.” She put it down to the usual behaviour of ‘showing off by a young man who has come into too much money too soon.’

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A month into dating, she noticed that he was quite keen on keeping tabs on her. “He would call several times a day, insist on me leaving my car, and he would pick and drop me wherever I needed to go, and just be really there in an uncomfortable way. At first, it was sweet. Then he wanted me to update him about everything – who I was meeting, what we did, then what else… it was exhausting!

I will admit that at this point, I had a ‘hmmm’ feeling at the back of my mind but the word ‘abusive’ was never it. Needy, insecure were what I thought. I mean, this guy was so well put together, I figured the misses in his behaviour were, well, shortcomings just like we all had.”

One Saturday, Makena had a work function. As had become the norm, he asked her to let him know when she was leaving the event. “I was bone tired and all I wanted to do that afternoon was get home, kick off my shoes and sleep. The function was half-day so by 2pm, I was home, showered, changed and in bed. About 5pm, he called and in my still sleepy state I didn’t at first pick out the agitation in his voice.

Then the questions came hard and fast: ‘Where are you? Who are you with? What are you doing? Why didn’t you tell me when you left?’ He was literally screaming down the phone. I was quiet, completely shocked. Have you ever heard a grown man scream in anger? It was ugly.

“Ten minutes in, he just snapped back and then started apologising for shouting, saying how he was just concerned about my safety and such nonsense. When he was done, I calmly asked him never to call me again and that we were done dating and hung up. He pursued me for quite a while, even when I wouldn’t take his calls or make any contact. It was scary. I have prayed that man off and away and trust me, right now, dating is a no-no. I need a minute!

According to Munyua, it is important to be sensitive to your intuition and sixth sense, as abusive men do not always look the part. He encourages seeing the individual outside their normal context. “Go and watch football with him and his boys, attend a cousin’s birthday party. Seeing him when his composure is down will tell you a lot about him.”

It is also important to note that abusive people are excellent manipulators. They will often hide their true colours and employ all tricks, even threatening suicide, if you leave them. Munyua advises that time is your biggest asset. “In this day of instant everything, applying the 90-day rule helps. Casually and cautiously date and in that period, do your due diligence. Social media leaves a trail so find out what he posts, follows, likes – do your research. Invite a confidante to an outing with you and the guy so that they can give you candid feedback. Some things about their character are bound to be exposed in that time.”

And if you find yourself deep in abuse, Munyua advises one to rise over the fear and shame and identify their support system who are ready to fully support you. Where this is lacking, establish a roadmap for getting out. 

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WARNING SIGNS

Danger ahead: Covert abuse signs to look out for

According to Psychology Today, the manipulative nature of an abusive personality will work hard to keep their dark side from you until you have formed an attachment. To get in on the early warning signs, look out for these actions.

Triangulation: This is when the abuser plays victim and in the process, gets you to pit against someone – usually his ex or current girlfriend, by saying things like: “I wish I met you before I wasted time with that crazy, self-centred ex of mine.” They will heap praise on you as they put others down, placing you on a pedestal. With time, that blame will turn on you.

Entitlement: Believing they should always receive preferential treatment at a restaurant, in an office, at home; and when this does not happen, they become highly offended. They also suffer from a superiority complex, believing they are better than anyone else. They will use sarcasm, or humour to put you down in front of others or when alone, and he will laugh it off as “can’t you take a joke? You are so sensitive.”

Love-bombing: This individual will express his undying love by the second date and will pressurise you to make a firm commitment to the relationship. This applies to sexual advances as well. When you refuse, he will sulk or get angry.

Controlling: He may make frequent calls during the day checking up on your whereabouts and whether you are where you really say you are; sometimes dressing these calls as ‘just calling to say hi/ checking if you are ok / I’ve missed you / wanted to hear your voice, etc.’ The call will always be accompanied by a mini interrogation about your whereabouts.

Related to this, he  will request that you constantly check in with him as you move from one activity to another. An abusive individual will suffer from jealousy and act out when you speak to or socialise with others, even family. They will give reasons such as ‘those other people are bad influence’ and take up all your time with plans to hang out with him during any free moment.