The scoop on troubled sister relationships

A blood sister would feel like the obvious choice for a close and easy relationship because she is a woman, usually in the same age group and has a shared history with you. But for women like Viviane Maina, a 32-year-old sales representative in Nairobi, that is not always the case. While she hasn’t fallen out with her sister, who is 10 years older than her, they’ve never been close.

Research shows that the birth-order effect (the independent/leader firstborn, the flexible/easy-going middle child and the vulnerable/rebellious lastborn) can dictate how siblings relate with each other as per the corresponding personalities. In Cain’s Legacy, a book by Jeanne Safer that aims to liberate siblings from a lifetime of rage, secrecy and regret, Safer writes that because birth order is forever, it brings out rivalries and resentment among siblings, in this case, sisters.

Sibling rivalry is normal, stemming from having to share resources or trying to get the attention and approval of the same parents. One study shows that siblings between the age of three and nine experience some kind of play-time conflict twice every 45 minutes! This is not necessarily bad, as the ability to fight with a sibling and resolve the conflict is a developmental milestone. But some siblings are not taught to manage these conflicts, thus extending the pattern into adulthood.

Such is the case with Carol Achieng’, a 35-year-old businesswoman who co-directs a family-owned company with her 38-year-old sister.

 “I love my sister,” she insists, “…but I don’t necessarily like her. We never seem to get through the simplest conversation without wanting to strangle each other!”

Achieng’ says she suspects that her bossy sister passively asserts her authority because she is older.

BRANDED SIBLINGS

“My father has left the running of the business to us; I suppose she feels she is the boss. She has always been bossy since we were kids.”

With their mother having passed away six years ago, it would be expected that the sisters would band together as the only women in the family, “…but we disagree on everything. I have contemplated leaving the business just to prove to her that I can do better on my own.” 

Many of the women interviewed for this feature pointed out that they are baffled at how different (in personality) they are from their sisters.

 “Sometimes it’s hard to believe we came from the same womb,” says Ruth Kitavi, a 25-year-old graduate student.

“For example, my sister is a certified home-maker who thinks I’m selfish because I don’t want children and that I’m ungodly because I want to be cremated. She can be so annoying! Why can’t she accept me for who I am instead of insisting that I be more like her?”

As if these seemingly intrinsic acrimony between sisters is not enough, families inadvertently fuel the fire by defining siblings in relation to each other – the smart one, the athletic one, the shy one and so on, laying the foundation for identities and perceptions of each other that could end up being a source of resentment later in life.

For 33-year-old Wanjiru Mungai, whose sister is four years older than her, this has shown up in the way their parents have higher expectations' of her, than of her sister

“My parents place higher expectations and responsibility on me because I’ve always been considered  ‘the smart one’. My sister was…well… the fragile and pretty one.”

Wanjiru, a practising lawyer, says she harbours resentment towards her sister because these expectations have meant that her sister doesn’t pull her weight.

“No one expects her to! In fact she wants me to support her financially as well, “ she explains.

“My mother once told me that I was their sole hope for care in their old age because, as she said, ‘you know how your sister is’. The annoying thing is that my parents don’t realise they’ve perpetuated this since we were children. My sister could get away with murder – but I had to be perfect.”  

Like any relationship, relationships among sisters are not devoid of constraints that could be traced back to a myriad of past and present family dynamics. They too require a commitment to make them work.  As it turns out, most women reported that they desired a closer relationship with their sisters and admitted that they were upset when it didn’t turn out that way.

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10 tips to make less-than-perfect sisterhood healthier 

1. Forgive past misdeeds,  if only to relieve yourself of the burden of bitterness.

2. Find yourself – Strip off the roles dictated by your family and define who you want to be for them.

3. Drop their roles and seek to define the relationship from their individuality; not what they did to you or what they can do for you.

4. Cut the grapevine – The less ‘he said/she said’ the better. Aim for face-to-face interactions that are centered on yourselves and your relationship (not ‘mom said that you…’)

5. Accept them – Chances are you are either stuck with them as they are and more so, you don’t have the power to change them to your ideal.

6. Drop the envy – Just because your best friend is best friends with her sister doesn’t mean that that is the norm.

7. It’s okay that way –Some relationships, especially those that cause more harm than good (e.g. involve emotional abuse) are better of with firm boundaries around them.

8. Set boundaries – It is okay to say no to co-dependent sisters; it’s okay to speak up when hurt by emotional abuse; it’s okay to walk away from arguments.

9. Show up – Setting boundaries doesn’t mean being unavailable. Problems will not be solved in absentia – they will simply be avoided.

10. Cherish your soul sisters – Invest in relationships from a sister from another mother(otherwise known as girlfriends).