When your bed is a war zone

A number of couples stay many inches away from each other in bed. There is no difference when you are a foot away from your partner than when you are in two different beds. PHOTO | FILE

What you need to know:

  • Some people choose to go to bed after their partners have fallen asleep to avoid each other. All these behaviours point to lost intimacy: sleeping as far apart from your partner as the bed can allow, and facing away from them. Most of these couples no longer even have sex as part of the marriage.
  • Studies have shown that the stability and happiness of a marriage can be gauged by the distance a couple maintains in bed – the wider the distance, the more troubled a marriage is. Research has shown that intimate couples not only sleep in the same bed but have skin-to-skin contact for most of the night.
  • Skin-to-skin touch is quite therapeutic. It stimulates hormones such as oxytocin that enhance intimacy. These hormones lead to natural attachment, trust and confidence in each other.

Joy came to the clinic to find solutions to a very trivial matter. Her husband had decided to buy an additional bed for their bedroom. “He says there are days we should not sleep in the same bed, that I disturb his sleep when he is tired,” she explained.

The couple had been married for only two years. They were yet to get a baby. According to Joy, trouble started when she had a bad tummy. “I passed gas severally that night,” she explained. “It was embarrassing. I was sorry but my husband just would not take it.”

That one incident gave Andrew, Joy’s husband, reason to complain bitterly about everything else he did not like in bed. He accused her of snoring and pulling the blanket off him in the wee hours of the morning. His solution? Separate beds. “Andrew forgets that he snores the loudest and that he always comes to bed sweaty and smelly,” Joy said in disgust.

Joy and Andrew’s trivial matter is a common problem among couples. A number of couples stay many inches away from each other in bed. There is no difference when you are a foot away from your partner than when you are in two different beds. To maintain the physical distance even further, couples dress horrendously for bed.

Some ladies wear torn socks on their head, thick and mostly ugly t-shirts and trousers, old socks on the feet and occasionally, hand socks or gloves. They do all these in the guise of keeping warm.

SKIN TO SKIN THERAPY

Men similarly have their commando attire for bed. To add insult to this obvious injury, some people choose to go to bed after their partners have fallen asleep to avoid each other. All these behaviours point to lost intimacy: sleeping as far apart from your partner as the bed can allow, and facing away from them. Most of these couples no longer even have sex as part of the marriage.

This was the case with Joy. She explained that they had not had sex for six months. I asked her to come along with Andrew for the next appointment.

Andrew was quite sincere. He said he felt distant from his wife. Generally, the couple was suffering the teething problems that every new marriage goes through and which, unless handled professionally, lead to premature separation and even divorce.

Studies have shown that the stability and happiness of a marriage can be gauged by the distance a couple maintains in bed – the wider the distance, the more troubled a marriage is. Research has shown that intimate couples not only sleep in the same bed but have skin-to-skin contact for most of the night. Skin-to-skin touch is quite therapeutic. It stimulates hormones such as oxytocin that enhance intimacy. These hormones lead to natural attachment, trust and confidence in each other.

For you to have skin-to-skin contact, however, you must sleep nude. Only 8 per cent of couples do this. So throw your pyjamas and night-time combat wear away for the sake of your marriage. Instead, have a shower before bed and present a clean skin to your partner.

While in bed, leave no space between the two of you.

Finally, it does matter which part of your body you present to your partner. Couples who constantly show their backs to their partners may actually be rejecting each other. Those presenting their side of the body are not sure what they want, or what to do to make their partners happy. They need reassurance that all is well with the relationship. Those who lie facing each other are open and inviting to their partners. They are confident of their love. They have nothing to hide.

“I hear you doctor. I won’t buy a second bed. Please enrol us for intimacy classes to navigate these early years of our marriage,” Andrew said in conclusion as Joy nodded. Then the couple hugged, kissed and walked out of the room holding hands, a little more reassured of their future together.