Q: I am 24 years old. I have been with my boyfriend since we were in Form 2. I used to love him but these days I feel like he is stifling me. I am just about to graduate from university and I am already working. He is still studying for his degree in medicine. He doesn’t like it when I go out with friends from work. He doesn’t like me hanging out with my girlfriends. He says he hates the way I dress nowadays, and that he hates that I have started wearing make-up. I feel like he needs to grow up. We’re not in high school any more. Should I dump him and find someone more my class and style now?
If you do not love him, leave. Remember, that stifling feeling happens with everyone you spend a considerable amount of time with.
Roc Doc, via email.
It seems like your boyfriend’s jealousy is what’s making him so controlling over your wardrobe and the one to hang out with. Your boyfriend needs to realise that just because other men look at you, doesn’t mean you’re cheating on him. He needs to learn to deal with this. Jealousy is a part of any relationship, but once it turns into controlling behaviour, it’s gone too far. If you’ve never given your boyfriend a reason to doubt your loyalty to him, it’s really unfair of him to treat you like this. If you really love the guy, however, and you are committed to at least doing what you can to make the relationship work, it’s worth at least trying to fix the problem before you leave him.
James Njoki, via email.
You are drifting away from each other because your boyfriend has decided to perpetrate it. I believe when you guys met the behaviour you had during those days has not changed so much to make your boyfriend become manipulative. Both of you might have matured since but the maturity level between the two of you is different. Sit him down and try to explain to him that what you are doing is not going to change anything in your relationship.
Make him understand that your dress code and having fun with your friends doesn’t necessarily reflect anything negative. His response after your discussion should enable you make a decision.
Juma Felix, via email.
Reconsider his stand on your current way of life; maybe the dressing and type of friends you have are fishy but you cannot see it. Don’t succumb to peer pressure. Sit down and discuss what is wrong, bearing in mind how you started your love. Joshua Oigo, via email.
After reading your comments regarded your relations with your boyfriend I get the feeling that he is intimidated by the woman you have become. There is definitely an insecurity issue with him and based on his perception of you, he may be showing signs of what kind of a man he would be towards you if he were to become your husband. It is not my place to tell you to leave him but it would be wise to recognise that your development as a progressing woman could be hindered by his type of mindset. I may be speculating, but he sounds very much like a man who would prefer you stayed home and cooked instead of supporting your career and being a positive influence. I recommend you concentrate on decisions that will aid your future and avoid any forms of restriction at this point of your life.
Next week’s dilemma
I joined a certain college after high school where I met a guy. We fell in love… but I did not know he’s got a girlfriend in the same school. I only found out when she called me and demanded to know what I was doing with her man. I told her everything. The guy became upset but said he still he wanted me back – except that now, he wanted our relationship to be low key.
I agreed to his condition. This guy claims he loves me all the time and he becomes very upset if I hang out with other men within and outside school, yet I have asked him to cut ties with his current girlfriend and he says that he doesn’t want chaos from her.