HEART ADVICE: Should I leave my cheating hubby?

Recently, I found out about my husband's five-year affair with a woman, who is currently pregnant; and discovered that his family knows her. PHOTO | FILE | NATION MEDIA GROUP

What you need to know:

  • Recently, I found out about his five-year affair with a middle-aged woman, who is already pregnant with his baby.
  • I am not so sure about wanting another woman in my home.

I am in my 50s. I have been married for more than 20 years. My husband is a good man who provides and takes care of me and our teenage son. However, we have been growing apart, and our intimacy is dead. Recently, I found out about his five-year affair with a middle-aged woman, who is already pregnant with his baby. I even discovered that almost all his family members know her.

I am completely devastated emotionally. I don't want to be alone, and I'm scared of being like my sisters, who are either divorced or separated. I just want to keep my family together but the truth is the marriage is not working. I want him to remain part of my family but I feel betrayed and I am not so sure about wanting another woman in my home. Should I stay or walk away?

 

READERS’ ADVICE:

It's possible that both of you are going through midlife crisis. From the information given, it seems you still love your husband and would like things to work out between you two. First, you must address the cause of the problem with the intention of resolving it. Second, let him know that you are aware of the other woman. He should tell you how he intends to sort it out. Let him know your stand. Third, forgive him so that you can heal, whether he asks for it or not. Lastly, you should involve a professional marriage therapist to help you navigate through the crisis. Best of wishes.

John Wambugu, via e-mail

 

You are in a worse off situation than your sisters, who are divorced or separated, as you stay in a situation where you are pretending. If you want to be happy, stop comparing yourself to others. Your marriage is dead and staying will only hurt you more as you will be living a lie.

Herina Achieng Aries, via Facebook

 

It’s unfortunate that we can't control how other people feel about us or treat us. It’s up to you to find happiness within yourself. Be bold. This man may choose to leave forever and life has to go on. Treat yourself well, be good to yourself and happy. If it works, thank God but if it doesn’t walk away and keep treating yourself well.

Alvine Ambe, via Facebook

 

It's sad that your husband of many years has betrayed you. Faithfulness is key in any relationship. However, you need to talk to him about the issue before you make any decision. Hear his side of the story. If it's true he has an affair out there, let him know the decision that you intend to make. You can also swallow your pride and accept the other woman as your co-wife. That is one way to save your marriage.

Mwalimu Mati, via Facebook

 

To stay or leave is a decision that you alone can make. Remember that staying in that marriage will certainly lower your self-esteem. Also, the second wife won't respect you. Eventually, you'll get depressed and develop some health issues like panic attacks. Sometimes you have to face your fear and walk away to be happy. When you do that, you'll certainly do so with your head held high.

Vincent Dube, via Facebook

 

EXPERT ADVICE

Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:

Walking away is one option. However, in my opinion it is not a wise move. If your husband has decided to maintain two families, then it is important for you to have that conversation with him knowing that you are merely setting your terms. Don’t try to talk him out of it because that won’t go well for you. You need to find a balance and accommodate your newly found reality of him having another woman. Considering that his extended family knew about her, it is a reality that is here to stay. You have invested too many years for you to just walk away and like you said, you do not wish to be alone. So it is best you mutually agree on your living conditions and let life move on.

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NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA

I am 28 and have been married for four years. I have a three-year-old son. My husband pays the rent, the house girl’s salary and school fees for our son. He also does the monthly shopping. Should a problem arise during the month, however, he says he doesn’t have money and I have to chip in using my salary. I feel like he is not man enough. A good man should provide everything and I told him so this past weekend. Now he is not talking to me. He says I can leave if I want. Did I do anything wrong? Shouldn’t he be doing more?