I am 28 and have been married for four years. We have a three-year-old son. My husband pays the rent, the house girl’s salary and school fees for our son. He also does the monthly shopping. Should a problem arise during the month, however, he says he doesn’t have money and I have to chip in using my salary. I feel like he is not man enough. A good man should provide everything and I told him so this past weekend. Now he is not talking to me. He says I can leave if I want. Did I do anything wrong? Shouldn’t he be doing more?
Please learn one secret to a successful and happy marriage. APPRECIATION. Marriage is a partnership, and it means working together whereby if one hand can't provide, the other does. Why do some women have a mindset that a man has to do all the financing at home? You are lucky you even earn a salary. There are thousands of women whose husband don't do any of the things yours does. My sister please start nurturing your marriage before you drive your husband away.
Immy Karungi, Uganda
You say that your husband has taken up all bills, including paying your house help’s salary. This is unfair since marriage is about teamwork. You got married to complement each other. Without this, your husband will end up resenting you, which will in the long run hurt your marriage. You should sit down and come up with a monthly budget. He may take up the bigger chunk of it, but you should also chip in. You may take up, for instance, the kitchen bills. He most importantly should also never pay the house help. This is because if she happens to know who among you butters her toast, she may begin to disrespect you. When you start helping your husband, he will not feel the pressure; and he will be able to save and invest for your long term goals.
Njoroge Dennis, via mail
From your concern, I see a man who loves and cares for his family. The problem is that you don't want to use your money to support him run family affairs. The feeling that he is not man enough will only worsen the relationship. You need to change your attitude, and have a candid money talk with him. Marriage and money matters go hand in hand.
Martin Olayo, via mail
What is the use of your salary? So if your son falls sick, you can't take him to hospital with your money because your husband is working? You are the problem here, and your school of thought is ancient. A woman should be a man’s helper.
Peter Gitau, via mail
You are being unreasonable. The man does almost everything and it seems you are not adding value to his life. Marriage is about companionship and supporting one another, not extortion.
Edward Cedric Opany, via Facebook
Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:
A productive marriage is about partnership. Marriage is not about seek-ing out a man so that he can cater for your bills. That is a very outdated thought process in this day and age. Most men have no problem being a provider of their family but it becomes a problem when you the wife are unwilling to help out. Paying bills is not what defines a man. The ques-tion is simple; do you want a man whose only function is paying for your lifestyle or do you want to maintain a functional marriage that keeps your bond intact. If you really want your marriage to last, you need to re-think your stand and apologise to your husband for making him feel like he does nothing. A partnership is about having each other’s back. Review your attitude, otherwise you will one day find that you have been re-placed by a woman who knows how to stroke his ego, and never puts him down.
NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA
In 2013, I got my first born son. Then, I was a first year student in a local university. The father of my child, now my husband, was in his second year although in a different university. While it was a tough period for me, my parents were very supportive. In fact, they insisted that I go back to school while they watch over the baby. After completing my studies in 2017, I got married to my campus boyfriend. Now, my problem is that my parents don’t want to let go of our son. They keep giving excuses as to why we cannot take him with us yet. What do I do?