Stop saying that he got you pregnant

In September 2014, Dead Beat Kenya, a social media page aimed at rattling irresponsible fathers, was founded. In just a few short weeks, hundreds of men said to have absconded their fatherhood duties were taunted and shamed. Some paid up, others remained unmoved.

What struck me about all of it was how most of the posts on the page were phrased. “This man got me pregnant… he made me pregnant and then left me,” women wrote. And what were you doing while he was getting you pregnant? I wondered.

Then there is the double standard that we have been carrying on for the longest time. If a woman gets pregnant and she isn’t ready for it and is contemplating getting an abortion, then she dives into the ‘It’s my body and I have a right to do whatever I want with it’ argument. When the woman is on board with the idea, then the pregnancy is declared wholly the man’s responsibility and he is bullied into coming round to the idea. Women seem to be selectively taking responsibility for their pregnancies.

SHARED RESPONSIBILITY

First, let me just say that I do not support irresponsible fathers. I have very little respect for men who refuse to step up financially or emotionally for their offspring. I think that anybody worth their ‘man’ title should step up, whether a pregnancy was planned or not.

That said, I think that women are not taking as much responsibility as they should for their pregnancies. When you say that a man got you pregnant, you are implying that getting pregnant was something that was done to you. That is hardly the truth.

I think that as long as a woman understands that having sex will lead to pregnancy, as long as you willingly engaged in a sexual act, then you are equally responsible for the pregnancy. The choice to get pregnant is made the instant that you decide to engage in sex. When you go on and have sex, then you are willingly taking on the risk of getting pregnant. This means that carrying the pregnancy to full-term isn’t where your responsibility ends.

Sexual health issues, especially in the recent past, have been dragged into the unending battle of the sexes. A lot of times, when a woman puts the responsibility solely on the man, she is trying to escape the trap of getting oppressed. What she might not know is that taking on her responsibility like she should is actually empowering.

When you view a pregnancy – even an unplanned one – as your responsibility, your first instinct will not be to point fingers. This will save everyone involved a lot of time and hurt.

I also think that a woman who takes more responsibility for her pregnancy is likely to pay more attention to her reproductive health. Consequently, she is more likely to make better sexual and birth control choices. This could be the answer to improved sexual health for the Kenyan woman.