Family is family, not blood

Every woman, even the liberal one who will not admit it, has at some point in her life a family of her own. This want is ingrained in a woman’s psyche. Every woman has sat down and painted a mental image of what she wished this family to look like.

Usually, this picture constitutes a whirl wind romance with Prince Charming whom she will marry and have babies after a year or two of wedded bliss. Perhaps they will be perfect twins who they will name Nicole and Nicholas. Or maybe a larger family – four children, all girls, who will look just like her and steal their Daddy’s heart.

Unfortunately, life isn’t always what we predict. Sometimes we fall in love with the most unlikely people. Sometimes the man you fall in love with will tick all your boxes… except that he will come with a child or two from a previous relationship. What then?

“I ran. He was an amazing man and from what I saw, a good father but I want to have children of my own. Agreeing marry him would have been denying myself this chance,” Wangari, my 29-year-old friend told me why she turned down a marriage proposal.

She told me about the horrible stories she had heard of women having to deal with those children’s biological mothers. “It would be too much work,” she concluded.

“Your fears are valid,” I nodded. But what I didn’t say aloud was that marrying this man might bring you so much happiness that these two factors will seem inconsequential. It was moot, though: she seemed to have made up her mind to quit the relationship. So she left this man who she was sure was a good man to try her luck finding another one who would have children only with her. She is still looking.

IDEAL FAMILY

I think the idea of what ‘family’ looks like is a little outdated. Changing times and shifting gender roles have brought with them numerous different family models. We now have single women and men raising children on their own, and men and women raising children together without the intention of getting married. That single father that you shun might be the missing part in your life’s puzzle. The children you raise might not have the same surname – but that’s okay.

Keeping together a blended family isn’t a walk in the park, certainly. There may be co-parents who are hell bent on making your life hard. The first one or two years will be especially hard. But what makes you think that having the same blood running through your veins will guarantee a happier or easier life?

And we have to stop thinking of adoption as an evil thin. Adopting a child doesn’t make a woman less of a mother. I also do not think that if your children know they are adopted they will be any less happy or satisfied in the family.

That said, the fear of being judged by the society is valid. If you are a woman who is scared of openly raising and loving children you didn’t give birth to because you think the society will judge you, you should know that even if yours was the perfect nuclear family, society would still find fault in it.

Do not let the perceptions of the society stand in the way of your happiness. No, raising a family that is different than the norm isn’t failing. In fact, it is triumphant. Family isn’t limited to blood.

The ideal family is made up of three things: acceptance, love and respect. The ideal family today might not be handed to you by nature; it is a choice. Family members are bonded by mutual love, respect and responsibility for each other.

An ideal family has problems. Members do not always love each other. If you meet a man who loves you and respects you and wants you in his life, then there is something beautiful here that ought to be nurtured. Do not let the fact that he may have a child blind you. Give yourself a chance at love.

They say that blood is thicker than water. As you grow older, you will realise that there will be times that water will be there even when blood isn’t. You will realise that family isn’t bound by blood. You will then regret having given up on a relationship because your love interest didn’t fit into the perfect package.