The naked truth

The first camera phone was sold in Japan in 2000. It was a J-Phone model. Ugly, ugly thing. Not soon after that sale, man, ever in pursuit of adventure and debauchery realised that he could spice up life by taking nude pictures of himself, or of his partner, or of themselves in positions that seemed romantic at that time.

Unknowingly this visual sting ushered in the new age of lewd online buffoonery, defined by perplexed looks, pale bodies, over-spilling body parts all masquerading as sexy or risqué.

Taking naked pictures or making a sex tape of yourself or your partner is like playing a game of loser-takes-a-shot-of tequila; it only has one ending. A bad one. It’s right up there with bungee jumping while pregnant or parking in a disabled parking spot. (go ahead and try it, if you aren’t disabled). There is always that momentary euphoria before taking nude pictures because it always seems like the best idea at that time. Unfortunately, it never is.

Over the last few weeks we have been treated to a buffet of pictures of our ‘leaders’, in various stages of, um, illicit bliss. It just goes to show that when people do stupid things it doesn’t matter their standing in society.

I personally didn’t find the pictures that scandalous – I mean, I was more surprised by the naivety that led to the pictures being taken. Anthony Weiner, aka Carlos Danger (Americans copied this from Akuku Danger) would probably understand this more than anyone else, having had scandal follow him after he sent pictures of his dong to females.

Other than him, there have been many Hollywood types whose nude/ sex pictures have surfaced, and over in the UK you remember Prince Harry’s naked pictures in a harem hotel? It’s a global affliction, this irrepressible urge to immortalise unusual/singular moments.

But the truth is, very few people look good naked. We are living in the age of fast food, fizzy drinks and lots of alcohol. Even 17 year olds look like seals now. Don’t even talk about the folk in their 30s, it’s enough to get you off meat for a year. OK, a month.

But it’s easy to judge people harshly when their nude pictures surface, sometimes leaked by the other disgruntled party, or maybe even leaked by themselves to court fame or controversy. Whatever the case, very few people can claim not to have thought of taking a picture naked. If you are, perchance, contemplating taking this huge step, please consider that one day, those photos will be released to the public, so please save us the eyesore and take the following steps.

SHAVE
For crying out loud, shave! Hair isn’t sexy – at least not a forest of it in the wrong places. Hair clouds up the shot, obscuring elements of the tableau that might have otherwise offered entertainment or insight. Shave because it’s hygienic, but also because generally, human beings look slightly better shaven. No need to go native on camera. So, first put down the camera phone, Romeo, and shave.

YOUR MEMBER

Don’t take a picture of your member if it’s below the universal acceptable size. General rule of thumb: anything that is slightly smaller than a sweet banana doesn’t belong before a camera.

WEAR A STETSON

This has got nothing to do with Mugithi, unfortunately. However, apart from it being risqué (donning a hat, not the music genre) the shadow of the hat will always obscure your face, which might make it easy to deny when the dung hits the fan. Tilt the brim of the hat over your face and smile. And where a Stetson is not available, a big weave will work just as well.

STAY AWAY FROM POLITICIANS

Never allow a politician to take a picture of you naked. Simple. In fact, never strip in front of a politician. But if you can’t avoid it, don’t trust a politician to keep those pictures safely; you will get screwed. Figuratively and literally. What if it’s two politicians, you might ask? The only time it’s fun to watch a politician double-cross anyone is when a politician double-crosses another politician.

DENY, DENY, DENY

The pictures will get out. You have to have an excuse at the ready when they finally surface. The sillier and more preposterous the excuse, the better. Alshabaab is a classic scapegoat. Global warming, Kenya’s shrinking economy and the reason why your boss won’t give you a raise can be blamed on Alshabaab.

So yes, feel free to blame them. You can also blame your fictitious enemies. Talk about how over the past three weeks, you have had a black car follow you. It doesn’t matter what you say, but if it’s unbelievable it will distract from the naked pictures.

So there you have it – a few ways to make sure that when your naked pictures are released, they are released in the most professional manner possible. So until we see you on the Internet, goodbye!

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