SEXUAL HEALTH: The quickest way to kill a marriage

Sexless marriage is incompatible with marriage. PHOTO | FOTOSEARCH

What you need to know:

  • Sexless marriage is the extreme end of lack of intimacy.
  • Studies show that the chances of divorce are markedly higher in a couple with sexless marriage.
  • Neglecting intimacy can therefore be catastrophic.

After three years of sleeping in separate rooms, Nancy got weary of the situation and dragged James, her husband, to the sexology clinic. However, she was not here to figure things out with him; she was here to figure out how to separate.

“We live together, eat together and support each other in life but when it comes to sex, we agreed to give each other space,” Nancy said as James nodded.

“Ok, so what you mean is that for three years you have not had sex and you are a married couple living together?” I asked.

“Yes, living together but not sleeping in the same room,” James answered.

Nancy was 38 years old. She was an accountant and a director of an audit firm which she founded. James was 42 years old. He was in the real estate business. The couple had been married for 13 years and had one son aged 11 who was in boarding school.

SEXLESS MARRIAGE

According to Nancy, there had been too much drama in those 13 years. James had cheated on her, and she had caught him several times. He would be remorseful and promise not to do it again but within no time, he would be caught again.

At one point Nancy was diagnosed with syphilis and the couple had to endure painful injections for weeks. It was at that point that the couple had a candid talk and Nancy decided to leave their bedroom.

I concluded that the couple was in a sexless marriage as a result of repeated infidelity, lack of trust and fear of disease. A sexless marriage is defined as sexual contact of less than 15 times in a year in a couple that is in good health and living together. Such couples should seek medical help.

Sexless marriage is the extreme end of lack of intimacy. Studies show that the chances of divorce are markedly higher in a couple with sexless marriage. Neglecting intimacy can therefore be catastrophic.

“So that is why we are here,” Nancy interrupted my explanation. “I have been wondering where my life is headed, I feel hopeless and worthless, life no longer has meaning.”

ADDICTION

I met the couple separately to understand their situation. James confessed that he had a weakness for casual sex. He attributed this to having been sexually assaulted by a housemaid as a child. He assigned little value and no emotional attachment to sex. He was sorry that he had messed up his marriage but on the other hand, felt helpless and unable to stop the infidelity.

I diagnosed James as having hypersexual desire disorder (HSDD). This is the inability to control sexual behaviours even when they cause harm to you or your loved ones. The disorder has also been referred to loosely as sex addiction.

The victim of HSDD can have a string of affairs or masturbation. Treatment is sex therapy. “I have no feelings for him,” Nancy said as I discussed the course of action. The couple requested that I give them a few days to reflect, discuss and agree on a way forward.

Three months later I received a call from Nancy. “I just wanted to let you know that it has been a month since we separated. I decided to give James space to live his life,” she explained.

Incidentally she caught James red-handed again having sex in their house with a neighbour’s housemaid. This happened even as they discussed the future of their marriage.

James, as usual, was sorry and said he was too ashamed to come back to the clinic for therapy. The couple decided to part ways.

I wondered if this separation was due to sexless marriage or HSDD. I concluded that it was due to sexless marriage because there are many instances when couples do horrible things to each other but remain married and in most of these cases, they are always intimate.

Sexless marriage is however incompatible with marriage, whatever the cause may be, and I should have known that this couple was bound to part ways.