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The six types of men women date

Saturday June 15 2019


Friends discussing relationship matters. PHOTO | NATION MEDIA GROUP 

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There’s the hyena, lion, cheetah, crocodile, spider and snake …

I was driving with my Ivory business partner (no, we are not selling hide and skin or scratch cards) for a meeting.

She’s a wild child who wears black lipstick to meetings, curses a lot, has numerous tattoos and has a razor sharp wit and sense of humour.

She lives with many cats in her apartment, one of whom has three legs. I hear she’s called Kichi. I bet she talks to them.

I once told her that I love eating omena and she said, “Well, it smells terrible. That’s what I feed my cats.” Oh, she’s also annoying.

But she’s a great mind and she creates fantastic decks. Recently, we were driving down Thika Superhighway headed to a meeting when she said, “Do you know the types of men in this city?”


I laughed because I knew what could be coming. “No.” I said. So, she classified the different types of men, or the different types of men she meets. I might not do her wit justice in this piece but it went something like this.

Mr Lion

He’s a stunning man. Good to look at. He’s like a lion, with his magnificence, presence and confidence. He walks into a room and he’s the only noticeable animal. Seats are left for him.

If he’s bearded, his beard is a mane, something women want to stroke. Problem is, he knows it. And that makes him lazy, as lazy as a lion.

What this does is that he never exerts himself with women, he lets them do the chasing, the hunting just like the lion lets the lioness hunt.

Mr Lion doesn’t hang around too long. Why should he when the jungle belongs to him?

Mr Hyena

He’s the opposite of Mr Lion. He’s a hungry man but his best and worst quality is that he’s not a picky eater.

Today he will be vegetarian, tomorrow he will be carnivorous, and next month he will just be vegan. He’s the kind of guy who you can never tell his type.

Actually you can; his type has a pulse. When he’s out hunting, it doesn’t matter what he goes home with, what is for sure is that he will go home with something.

Mr Cheetah

He’s like lightning; he strikes fast. You don’t see him coming; you never see yourself taken down by him.

He moves with speed and accuracy, very charismatic and charming. He pours your drink and pulls your chair, and he’s always cracking jokes.

He puts his jacket around your freezing shoulders and gives you all his attention and before long you will find yourself in his kitchen wearing his T-shirt, and washing his carrots.

When he leaves you, it’s also with the same speed. He leaves so fast and so efficiently it’s like he was never there in the first place.

Mr Spider

He’s a storyteller, only he weaves tales of deceit. He lies and even when you know he’s lying and you even prove him wrong, he will make you feel like you are a crazy person; and before long you are caught up in his intricate web of deceit, and you can’t leave.

The problem is the more you struggle to leave his web, the more you get trapped. He’s a bit of a psycho but he appears normal.

The right expression is he’s an “emotional vampire”. Everybody else will think he’s the perfect guy, only you know that he’s psychotic.

Nobody believes you when you tell them he’s psycho. Somehow you can’t leave him, and you have opportunities to leave him.

Mr Snake

He’s the kind of guy who will always be feeding his pal’s girlfriend a load of garbage behind his back.

He’s two-faced and like a snake has a tongue on him, a forked tongue. He lies to create discordance. He will be the guy stabbing his best friend in the back to try and get his woman.

Mr Crocodile

This is the most dangerous man in the animal kingdom. Why? Because he is the guy you will assume. The guy you never really notice.

He’s not flamboyant as Mr Lion or as fast as Mr Cheetah. He lies so low, very low. He is a man who appreciates the art of lying in wait.

You will dismiss him, telling him, "Oh, I don’t need a man,” "Oh, what are you bringing to the table?", or "You and I can’t go anywhere,” but he will not say anything; he will simply stay still, watching you with his crocodile eyes.

Until your drop your guard one day then boom! He has you between his jaws and there is no escaping.

Six years later, two children later, you will still be in his jaws wondering, how did I end up here?

Anyway, we turn into Exit 7 and she asks me, "So, what animal are you?" I say, "None of the above. I’m Leopard."