There is no place for alpha males

I came across the most interesting Ted Talk video this week.

The talk was by a Dutch primatologist, Frans de Waal. His most famous work was a book he wrote in 1982, Chimpanzee Politics: Power and Sex Among Apes.

The book documents a four-year study, where he followed chimpanzees around Royal Burger's zoo studying their power struggles and the complexity of their social structures that in many ways offered us insights into their lives, hopefully helping us understand ourselves better.

One of the reviews of the book by Sarah Brosnan states: if Shakespeare had focused his political plays on chimpanzees rather than British royalty, Chimpanzee Politics would likely have been a plot he relished. So the Ted Talk was gripping not only because the book sounded insightful but because he popularised the term Alpha Male.

The term became famous not only in his research fields but was mainstreamed in American politics with one famous example being in 1985 when Newt Gingrich, the Republican Speaker, recommended it to the newer congressmen trying to get ahead.

As with many famous books, people understand it in their own way and read into the study on the primates as a way to fight for power to be at the top.

WHAT WOMEN WANT

People interpreted primate characteristics documented in the book - such as aggression, violence, and self-centeredness - as characteristics of alpha males.

There's only one problem with that line of thought. Alpha males in human beings are a myth disproven time and time over even though the idea sounds appealing to men who want to be dominant or feel that they aren't aggressive enough.

Human beings, and specifically men, are way more complicated than the animals studied and are more multidimensional. We can be more than one thing at a time and change over time.

Harvey, the main character in the series "Suits", is tall, handsome, well dressed, intelligent and at the top of his game.

Harvey is also remarkably selfish, a bully, domineering, aggressive, demanding, cocky and a douchebag. Even though Harvey (whose real name is Gabriel Macht) is nothing like that in real life, many men still want to be the alpha.

One of the other strongest arguments towards this behaviour is that this is what women really want. Except, this is not what women want. And despite the women stating that this is an undesirable trait, we think they don't mean it.

BE DECENT

While women aren't looking for an indecisive pushover, this doesn't mean that they want an unpleasant man either.

Multiple social studies have concluded that women do like assertiveness and confidence (not to be confused with aggression and dominance). But even more, they like the two qualities when mixed with other "softer" qualities like kindness and compassion. Basically, being a decent human being.

Neuroscientist Dean Burnett reflected on "alpha males" that, "Maybe the supposed human alpha male is a combination of disgruntled male wish-fulfilment and borderline-pseudoscientific justification for resorting to bullying, intimidation, and generally all-round unpleasant behaviour.

"By men hoping to impose their will on a world they find too complex and unnerving, they revert to their baser instincts to get what they want, despite knowing deep down they don't deserve it and shouldn't have it?"

Did you know that there are online classes on how to become an Alpha Male? Google it. I watched a few episodes of one man who believed that he had hacked the key to becoming an alpha male by going for over 150 dates in four years and claimed to have figured out women.

Now he was helping men become more confident, in the way that women like.

PEACE OF MIND

The course was the typical school of corny advice about not complimenting her too much or at all, words to use, how to take control of the situation from the start.

It's the handbook for pick up artists. Did you also know that there are pick up artist clubs and there's an active one here in Kenya?

It took me back to a part of my life where I wanted to be an alpha. I never got there because it made me feel insecure. It was a ridiculous phase.

This is not the wilderness. You're not a jackal in the Serengeti, and you're not hunting and gathering, or fighting decades of wars for Kunta Kinte. It's 2020 and being a decent man is acceptable.

The good news is that not only does it get you more women (and the women that you want) but it also gives you peace of mind.

Being kind and thoughtful doesn't mean you're going to miss out on career growth or lose your social standing.

Yes, there are people who get away with behaving terribly to get to the top, but just because a broken clock is right twice a day doesn't mean that you should buy it. Have an amazing week "non-Alpha" men!