There’s no age limit to intimacy

Angela, a cateress at a secondary school walked into the consultation room at the sexology clinic and declared that while she was not sick, she had a bedroom crisis.

Her husband wanted sex but Angela had progressively slowed down and was throwing in the towel on matters sex. She was 58 years old and married for 30 years. She had four children to show for the marriage.

“I am here to make a very special request,” she explained after settling down. “Call my husband and tell him that it is no longer appropriate for us to have sex.”

Angela’s reasoning was that she had just become a grandmother after her firstborn daughter, aged 25, delivered a baby girl.

According to her culture, she could no longer have sex. She explained that she had moved to a different level in the hierarchy of life as a grandmother.

“Look, here doctor, if I got pregnant now I will be forced to abort. I cannot be pregnant or nurse children when my daughter is doing the same. It is a shame,” she told me. 

Angela was touching on a very crucial topic in the life of a human being. Is there an age when sex should stop? Recent scientific studies seem to offer an answer. The studies have found that now more than before in human history, more older men and women are engaging in sex and they like it. In fact, orgasm has previously been reported in a 104-year-old woman. Studies show that orgasmic capacity in women does not change with age and old women are able to get orgasm just as much as younger women.

“That is an abomination!” Angela shouted as I explained. “The studies that you are talking about most likely were not done in Africa.”

Even more intriguing is the fact that older women and men who engage in sex frequently have been found to live longer than those who do not. The chemical changes that occur in the body during sex seem to promote longevity and so stopping sex limits your lifespan.

Sex also has an effect on the brain and on mental health. Recent studies have assessed the mental function of old men and women who engage in frequent sex and compared it to those of people who do not. Degeneration in mental function, including dementia, are common occurrences in old age. The studies however found that old people who engage in sex remain in good mental health and brain function, while those who do not are prone to mental degeneration. The conclusion was that sex in aging men and women is protective of the brain function.

“I am not sure where this discussion is headed. Fo you even know how uncomfortable sex is at this age?” Angela interjected. Of course sex is different for the elderly. Menopause alone, for example, can knock out sex desire if not treated. Many times menopause will cause lubrication problems. This may make sex painful. In addition, aging comes with a number of diseases such as diabetes, hypertension, prostate disease and arthritis that adversely affect sexual function in both men and women. What you should know as you age is that sex should happen differently from what it was when you were young. Find what is pleasurable and go for it. Be open to exploration and have a positive attitude to sex.

“But the man does not even have erections anymore!” Angela said. True, most men get a reduction in sex interest as they age due to compounding mix of diseases. Erectile dysfunction, ejaculation problems and a myriad of other sex problems come with age. This is the reason why a couple must find new ways of enjoying pleasure. This is not to say that men and women should live with existing sex problems; seeking medical care is key to resolving a number of the common sex problems in aging. In case treatment does not achieve desired results however, sex should continue in other ways.

“So what you mean to say is that I should defy the norms of my community and continue having sex?” Angela asked thoughtfully.

“I have seen much older people than you have sex so I do not think you should fear,” I replied.

To re-build their intimacy skills, I booked Angela and her husband for sex coaching lessons. I also introduced them to other couples their age who were still sexually active. Sex resumed slowly over three months. It has been a year today. I got a call from Angela informing me that they were marking their first anniversary of resuming sex and everything was once again great in their relationship.