To have and to hold… but not necessarily to take your name

Traditionally, a woman automatically adopted her husband’s name after marriage.

A worldwide survey carried out at the beginning of the year by the wedding planning website TheKnot.com revealed that 86 per cent of all newly married women go with this norm. Especially this side of the world where men are presumed to be leaders, a complete name switch is the expected practice from a newlywed.

According to Nairobi lawyer Celyne Odembo, a woman is under no legal obligation to assume her husband’s surname upon marriage. Legally, she is entitled to use whichever name she chooses.

These past years, along with other changing aspects of marriage, women are actually exercising this right of choice in regard to their last name after marriage. For various reasons, brides are choosing to continue using their maiden names after marriage.

According to Nancy Kimani a psychologist at International Professional Psychologists and Counsellors, the perception of marriage, especially its permanence, has changed. There are people who view it as an institution where one can walk in when it suits them then walk out when it stops working for them.

“This mentality and the uncertainty that comes with it,” she says, “may prompt a woman to hold onto her maiden name even after marriage.”

In this day and age when the African woman is actively resisting dominion by the man, the general assumption made when a woman retains her maiden name is that she is trying to assert her independence.

“In the past, men viewed women as property and a portion of the male population, more than those who would care to admit it, still hold this view,” Nancy explains.

She traces this resistance back to the male ego. The average man has a fragile ego and though very few will admit it, they feel threatened if a woman, especially an accomplished one, chooses to retain her maiden name.

Who are you marrying?

While we want to believe in the concept of love and commitment being above all else, we cannot deny that the society has become increasingly materialistic.

Status remains a vital defining factor for a man and more often than not, a woman will be less reluctant to assume her husband’s name if he has a high socioeconomic status.

Similarly, the psychologist says, a woman who feels that she has little to lose in regard to prestige or position to society will easily assume her husband’s surname.

Compromise

This choice of retaining a maiden name has been met with criticism and resistance. A groom, and sometimes his family, may question his bride’s commitment.

As a popular option with the view of compromise, instead of replacing her surname with her husband’s, a woman will add it on to her name.

“My choice of name has little to do with a quest for independence,” says Bancy Njau-Murimi, who chose to hyphenate.

When she said ‘I do’ seven and a half years ago, Bancy had already built a brand on her maiden name; Bancy Njau. That was the name that her clients recognised and she figured that if she opted for a complete name switch, she would have to start marketing herself all over again and this could take years.

“I considered taking up his name legally but keeping my maiden name professionally but changed my mind when I thought of the confusion that might arise from having a dual identity,” the marketing manager recalls.

She wished to retain her professional identity and still honour her husband so she met him halfway by adding his name to the one she already had. She admits that she’s had to explain herself many times to people but she insists that her choice has in no way affected the gender roles in her relationship.

“I respect him and I still play my role as a wife and mother. He remains the husband and the protector while I am the nurturer. Our bond is above a name,” argues the mother of two.

Conversely, having the exact last name with your partner does not guarantee the permanence of a marriage.

Ancestry

When Lydiah Mulandi’s boyfriend proposed to her five months ago, she was elated. She was finally going to say ‘I do’ to her best friend. It was only after the initial excitement waned and the reality set in that she began thinking about the name she would take after the wedding.

When she was younger, she admits that she had on occasion fantasised about being referred to as ‘Mrs Somebody’ but the idea of completely abandoning her previous identity had now become real.

“It’s true that taking up a man’s name is a romantic gesture,” she says, “but I have an identity that I have had for over two and a half decades and it forms part of who I am.”

Lydiah feels that the decision to hyphenate her husband-to-be’s surname with her father’s name is the safest option as it honours her spouse and allows her to remain true to her ancestry.

“A rejection of his full name isn’t a rejection of him. I have agreed to spend the rest of my life with him and I don’t need a name to prove my love or commitment,” she argues.

The way she sees it, marriage isn’t about shedding your identity; it adds onto your life. She admits that it was an overwhelming decision to make and she expects social pressure in the future.

“I expected some resistance from my fiancé regarding my decision but he was surprisingly agreeable,” she confides. “A complete name change is a routine, just like a cake comes with the wedding, and a woman shouldn’t be judged for deviating from it.”

Property

Even if it is only psychological, having the same name last name with your husband gives a woman a sense of security of self, and of the family property.

Celyne states that in the event of death of a spouse, the property owned by a couple is protected by the marriage certificate or in some instances the presumption of marriage.

She however says that succession after the death of a spouse is easier if a woman bears the same name as her husband. Customarily, a couple holds the same last name and different last names will naturally cast doubt.

“During succession and awarding of benefits, a widow who bears a different name from her husband may be required to provide more proof of marriage,” she explains.

The bold

With the rise of the strong passionate woman and her fight to be equal to the man in all aspects of life, an even bolder name changing trend has emerged. In a show of love and adoration, some men are dropping their surnames and take up their wives’ family names. A lesser number do it in a bid to show affinity for their father-in-law.

This trend, which is slowly gaining popularity in western countries, is still alien in Kenya. Judging from the responses of a number of men Saturday Magazine spoke to, the average Kenyan man finds the concept repulsive.

Equality

Alternatively, both the man and woman may abandon the name changing tradition altogether and form their own family name. A couple will agree beforehand to alter their names after marriage by meshing the key syllables of both their surnames to form a brand new family name.

“Marriage isn’t about dominance or submission and both parties ought to have equal weight in the relationship,” asserts Josephine Daud,  a 30-year-old woman who is contemplating taking the meshed name path when she weds in June.

This way, she feels that both of them will share equally in their new identity.