What my father taught me about love, dating and marriage

Simon Mburu speaks to five women who tell us what the primary man in their lives told them about love, dating, sex and marriage.

The influence a father has on his children cannot be overemphasised. This is especially true for daughters.

A girl’s relationship with her father affects her choices and self-esteem as an adult. These choices include romance.

Dr. Chris Hart, a Nairobi-based psychologist says that most women are subconsciously attracted to men who treat them like their father did.

“A woman derives her romantic choices, builds her ability to love, trust and be intimate from her father,” he says.

To evaluate this, we spoke to five women on what their fathers taught them about romantic love:

Mina Reeve, Director at Nami Africa, a public relations and communications firm

What he told me about love

“My father and my mother have been married for 30 years now. I was in high school when my father first talked to me about love and dating. It caught me unaware because he would normally let my mum handle such issues. I would share the latest gossip on who was dating who with my mum, and at some point, my dad happened to overhear it. He decided to sit down with me.

"It was awkward at first, but when we got into it, I realised that he had solid advice that has been vindicated over time. Love and relationships are like rollercoasters, he told me. You need to experience the bad to appreciate the good, but, let there be more good than bad.

"I remember asking him how I would know that I really care about someone. His answer was simple. He said, Mina, relationships are all about compromise, and you’ll know the person you cherish as soon as you feel able and willing to place their wants and needs above yours. I have also learned the importance of giving love a chance. This means that if it is broken, I will try to fix it instead of just moving on.”

What I observed

“It is often said that the best gift a father can give his kids is to love their mother. From observing the love between my mum and dad, I learned that relationships are not about power and dictatorship. This plays a big role in the way I handle situations in my relationships. I will not stay in a relationship that degrades my worth or respect.”

When I went against his advice

“I remember a time when my dad told me that if I wanted to be valued, I should not be seen too often; that it's like the beach - those who live near it don't value it as much as those who have to travel long distances to get to it.

"But being the rebel I was, I made it a point to see a guy almost every day for the entire day, only for the relationship to become boring, monotonous and tedious. It stopped being fun and turned into a ring of arguments on virtually everything. Inevitably it ended. My dad had been vindicated.”

Janet Nashipai, founder of Nash Services agro suppliers

What he told me about love

“My dad’s name is Phillip Samo Kisenya. He has been married to my mother for 35 years now. He is from a different generation and will not talk about romantic love directly.

"Nonetheless, I have been able to pick up a lot of lessons from observing him. One of the things he has instilled in me is the value of love and how strongly it can bind a family together.” 

Romance needs rekindling

“Up until now, he still makes my mother blush by calling her pet names. This has taught me that there shouldn’t be a time when age rubs away romance in a marriage.

"I can also still remember that many of his age mates were sceptical when he decided to support my mother’s career by paying for her college fees. You see, for many men from his generation, women empowerment was not so highly regarded.

"But he stuck to his guns, and taught us that to love is not to just provide food, clothing and shelter. It is also to help your spouse individually grow and become the best version of themselves.”

Being on the wrong

“There are times when he has been on wrong. But despite being from a different generation culturally, he was never shy to accept his mistakes and offer an apology. This taught me that contrary to popular assumptions, a strong man knows when he’s on the wrong and is not afraid to say no.”

Do I still talk about love and dating with him?

“We started talking more about marriage life when I got married in 2015. He regularly emphasised his unconditional love for me. He would constantly remind me of my worth, and assure me that no matter how rough life might get, he would also be there to hold my hand. Marriage isn’t a bed of roses, and sometimes, I will seek his opinion.”

Doreen Moraa, works at Ecom Services, a customer care service company

What he taught me about love

“My father’s name is Isaac Moracha. He is a reserved African man. What I have learned from him has largely been from observation. I have never heard him expressly tell my mother that he loves her. Instead, he shows his affection through actions.”

HIV and love

“For over the past 30 years now, my dad has been with my mum even though the two are a HIV discordant couple, my mum being HIV positive. But this hasn’t diminished his affection for her.

"It has not been easy, especially due to the stigma associated with such a romantic engagement. But he has not departed from the marriage or treated my mother as a lesser spouse because of her status. This is the kind of unconditional love that I seek.”

Do we talk about love and dating?

“Incidentally, as close as I have been to my father, I have never talked to him about love and dating. Perhaps as a result, I have ended up dating wrong guys.

"A while back, I dated a man who ended up stealing my household goods. This was after a series of infidelities with a lady he had introduced me to as his sister. I am nonetheless aware that when marriage comes into the equation, I will not hesitate to call up on him for advice and approval.”

Gladys Situma, works in a real estate company based in Nairobi

What he taught me about love

“My dad’s name is Jonathan Situma. He had been married to my mom for 25 years until 2006 when she passed away. He is a pastor and started talking to me about love, dating, and sex from early on. His emphasis has always been that love is a commitment that requires a lot of maturity. He wanted me to wait until I was done with school and in a stable career before I started dating. One of the biggest lessons I will always take with me is the way he treated my mum. He showed us that a man should always respect the woman he is building his life with. He should provide for her needs and support her entrepreneurial hustles. Most importantly, he should spiritually lead the way. These are the attributes I look for in a mate.”

When I went against his advice

“While I was at university, I once got swayed and started dating. It took a toll on me. My academic performance plummeted and the relationship threw me off balance. It was not in line with my spiritual beliefs, ambitions and goals and I ended up terminating it.”

Do we talk about love and dating?

“Talking about love and dating has been the tradition in our family. This is not about to change. I have come to believe that I will make lesser mistakes when I seek his counsel.”

Lucy Mbevo, sales and marketing officer

What he told me about love and dating

“My dad’s name is Joseph Mbevo Ndaka. He was married to my mum for 33 years, until my mum passed away three years ago. He decided not to re-marry.

"|He believed that a relationship will always thrive if the two parties in it are financially empowered. He would always tell me that a man will respect me and want to build a future with me if I have the potential to be financially and emotionally independent.

"Nonetheless, he also told me that a man should provide for their woman. This is not limited to money alone. He should be able to create and provide opportunities where the woman can develop socially, economically, and emotionally.”

The first time we talked about dating and love

“I was taking my undergraduate degree at Kenyatta University when we had this talk. He was concerned about the high life of sex and clubbing that often characterises campus life.

"He would often recommend 28 as the most ideal age to start dating with marriage in mind. ‘By this age, the men likely to approach you will be more mature and aware of what they want in life. You will also be able to align your spousal choice with the direction your life has taken,’ he said.:

When I went against his advice

“I dated a guy while still in campus, and after seven months, we moved in together. His mother was not pleased. But we forged ahead, blinded by our emotions and feelings for each other. It took me a year to realise that we didn’t share the same values and ambitions. Gradually, the emotional connection we had blurred. Constant arguments became regular. Eventually, we had a terrible break up that ended up involving our parents.

"My father was particularly disappointed, given that he had cautioned me over and over about the very things I had involved myself in. But he understood enough to know the folly of youth and still be father enough to lead me out of the woods.”