PLAIN TRUTH: Why are you marrying men you can’t trust?

A friend of a friend is in distress. She is set to leave town for a work assignment for a fortnight in a few days. She will be leaving her two young daughters with her husband and her house help, who she has employed for four years. At a glance, there doesn’t seem to be any problem at all: There will be two adults in the home, one of them their parent.

She is however quite apprehensive about this arrangement. When she first started talking about her reservations, I imagined that she, as many Kenyan women are, is uncomfortable with leaving her husband alone with her house help – never mind that outside the house he sees women all day long. But no, she wasn’t worried about the house help. She was worried about leaving her daughters with their father. Worried that their biological father might molest them. She even used an analogy suggesting that she would be leaving sheep with a wolf.

So why are you married to this man if you think he is a paedophile? I am still wondering days after our conversation. How did you marry him if you think he is excited by little girls? Worrying that your partner will not be a sufficient parent in your absence especially if they are the uninvolved type is one thing. Worrying, however, that your husband will molest your daughter speaks a great deal about you and your life choices.

Worrying about whether a man is a paedophile is something that is common with single mothers who are trying to get back into the dating scene. She will worry whether that charming man she just met is a little too unfriendly with Junior. Thinking the same, however, of a man you vetted, married, spent a huge chunk of your life with and even had children with is a sign of a bigger problem. It means that you didn’t trust this man to begin with or that you married a man you didn’t know very well.

It should not get to this point. If you think that a man you are dating or just getting to know could abuse a child, do not invite him into your life to begin with. Do not give him time of day and do not tag him along waiting to see what will happen. This relationship will not thrive. I mean, how do you respect, how do you trust with your life someone you can’t trust with the children you have together.

Being a parent in Kenya today is being worried about the stranger down the road, the one your child will brush shoulders with on their way to school or church, the one that could come kicking down the doors of your house. You shouldn’t be worried about your child’s other parent.

Abuse of children, more often than not, happens from people known to them so be vigilant. If something is off, if you believe that your child is in danger from any other adult in the home, take action. Complaining about it, or your trying to be around all the time will not give them the protection they need.