Why do men go silent forever?

Q: Please help! What goes through a man’s mind when he ghosts? I have a friend who is asking this question and I don’t know what to tell her. Last year she dated a guy for three months.

He was attentive and everything – and then they got intimate and the next day he didn’t take her calls or reply her texts. That ended just like that.

Later in the year she met another guy who she decided not to get intimate with until he at least proposed. After six weeks or so he just suddenly stopped talking to her and that was the end of that.

She is feeling sad and angry and like she can’t trust men and I keep telling her to avoid men who ghost – the problem is no one knows if he’s going to just disappear when they start dating. It has to happen for you to know.

So what makes a man ghost? Is it something a woman does? And how can you identify a ghoster from the beginning?

READERS REPLY

Sometimes you may not understand what men look for in women. If you play hard to get they get discouraged and ghost away. If a girl is easy going, they take advantage of her. They hit and run. Your friend was taken advantage of by the first guy. The second one was only a player not ready for serious business. Advise her to take her time to get to know her guys well before giving in. Normally a ghoster will demand intimacy sooner than later and one can tell by their level of commitment. She should be confident and never appear desperate. John Wambugu, via email.

Your friend sounds nasty. No man lets go of a nice, friendly woman just like that. Tell her to look within herself to see where her problem lies. Mark A, via email.

Men can be very confusing in this sense. I think what your friend needs to do is stop making these men the centre of her world and focus only on what she wants and whether the man she is on a date with can fulfil it. That way, she can filter out the men who don’t meet her standards from the word go, and she can learn to recognise when a man is just out to play her. Felie June, via email.

Just check on your attitude towards men, maybe you are very negative. Men don’t like people who keeps pointing out their weaknesses. If it’s in bedroom encourage and he will improve don’t compare their skills. My opinion.

Duncan Royal Class, via Facebook.

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EXPERT ADVICE

Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:

Every man has had his ghosting moments at some point of his life, in my opinion. It’s not about specific men who ghost; it’s about your friend having the assumption that meeting a potential good guy who initially treats you well will always lead to an exclusive relationship that graduates into marriage. Unfortunately most men don’t have the honesty of saying they just want a casual fun relationship. Men also rarely engage with a woman with a long term vision so I believe the men she is meeting profile her as a woman with long term aspirations so they sell her what she wants to hear and that is why they end up ghosting her. It is better for her to stipulate what she is looking for so that she can filter the men before they waste her time. It is important to remember that majority of men within the social arena are seeking sexual relations above all and they are willing to play a part just to achieve their desires.

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NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA

I love this guy I go to school with. I got his number but we rarely talk. I’m the one who starts a conversation all the time. I love him and I thought he had feelings for me until I asked him and he denied. He took like three days to reply me, though he was online 24/7. I don’t want to tell him straight that I love him because it will look weird if a lady approaches a man first. It’s supposed to be the other way round and furthermore, I’ve never been in this situation before. Men are the ones who make the first move on me. There are guys who love me but I don’t love them, I’m just in love with one guy. How do I make him feel I love him without saying it directly to him? What if he says he doesn’t love me? What if he has a girlfriend? Please help. Thanks.