‘You are not like other women’ is not a compliment

“All the women I have been with are money minded, but not you. You are different.” “You are not like other women I have met, there is something different about you, I like you.” There is one I loathe most, the one that every dark-skinned woman has heard: “I don’t usually date dark skinned women but you are pretty.”

These are compliments men pass women to make them feel ‘special’. But it is this culture of the comparison of women that has bred the vicious competition and lack of solidarity amongst women.

These back-handed compliments that our men casually give us every day are the perfect example of a subtle form of present-day sexism. A woman just never ‘is’. She only ‘is’ in comparison to other women. Even at the workplace, the woman who gets a promotion or award will be told that she won because other women fell short in this way or the other, and not because she did a good job.  

A man will say something to you that puts another woman down or that is insulting to womanhood and yet still expect you to believe that while he feels this way about all the female folk, for some reason, you are the exception. The average woman should feel slighted but because she is getting a compliment and she assumes that the man means well, she will take it and smile. And sometimes, she might even believe him. 

The bigger problem

These comparisons are annoying and insulting, but they bring with them a much bigger problem: because of these attitudes women are happier ganging up on each other to bring the more ‘successful’ ones down. And those who do reach the top have a hard time lifting other women up lest they stop being ‘the exception’ and get the glory and limelight taken away from them. Women have been compared to other women for so long that a lot of women can’t look at another woman who is either highly accomplished or good looking without questioning her own looks or achievements.

We can begin to weed out this attitude by understanding that there is enough room for all the beautiful, accomplished, self-assured women in the world. It doesn’t have to be a competition. In fact, it shouldn’t be a competition. 

What can we do?

Also, let’s not accept these back-handed compliments. Let a man tell you that you are beautiful or sensual or intelligent without comparing you to anyone else.

Ideally, a woman should be able to admire another’s successes without feeling the need to examine her own. You should be able to walk up to another woman and compliment her on her dress because it looks good on her, regardless of how she feels about her own body and whatever deficiencies she perceives it to have. We should be able to celebrate other women’s accomplishments without thinking of or complaining about our own failures. This, I think, is the height of maturity.