alexa PLAIN TRUTH: You can’t shame a man - Daily Nation

PLAIN TRUTH: You can’t shame a man

Saturday December 22 2018

You can’t shame a man, not with his sexuality.

You can’t shame a man, not with his sexuality. Boys are raised to take pride in their sexuality. To be proud that they were born men. PHOTO | FOTOSEARCH 

More by this Author

There’s a video that was made Internet rounds last weekend. Sources claimed that it was of a woman having sex at her clothes stall in Imenti House, Nairobi. For those few hours before it was discovered that the incident didn’t even happen in Kenya own – the hours before the Governor threated to shut down the shopping mall – a lot of things were said about the woman in the video, her loose morals and lack of shame.

A few weeks before this, after calling her relationship with a local musician quits, a Kenyan socialite went on the rampage dragging him through the mud. She decided to tell the whole world about his lacklustre bedroom skills, sharing snap shots of their conversations and all. Had I met her at this point, I would have told her to stop. When she was done, all manner of things were said about her. Banter on the street was that she was bitter and still not over him. Weeks later, women are still swooning over him.

You can’t shame a man, not with his sexuality. Shame is the currency that society uses to control women, not men. From a young age, it’s drummed into our ears that a woman’s body is shameful, that being female, even, is something to be ashamed about. That’s why ‘you run like a woman’ or ‘you fight like a woman’ are used as insults. That is why genital mutilation is still rife in parts of Kenya. It’s intended to destroy a woman’s sexuality because it’s seen as something that’s shameful.

On the flip side, boys are raised to take pride in their sexuality. To be proud that they were born men. By the time he is a grown man, he couldn’t care less about your opinion of his sexuality.

It’s unfair, I know but that’s just how it is. And unless something drastic that can change the attitude of society towards a woman, things are not going to change any time soon. Think about this the next time you get intimate with a man and things go south and you are tempted to try and shame him by telling everyone what a lousy lay he is. At the end of the day, you will have all these people wondering what is wrong with you. Wondering about why it is that you can’t get satisfied.

Don’t leak intimate pictures and videos of you and an ex because they left you abruptly and you are hurting. Only you will get muddied. Learn to gracefully walk away from relationships that are not working, it isn’t that hard.


Most important, do not let another woman’s shame become a source of entertainment for you. Don’t spread unproven rumours, and delete those pictures of them in a compromising position as soon as they hit your inbox. Tune into your empathy. Be your sister’s keeper. I don’t want to tell you that every dog has its day but it’s true.