Valentine's Day is just around the corner and I’m happy to announce that after a couple of successful dates in the past year and a lot of flirting and all-night texting and being introduced to each other’s friends and family, I’ve managed to remain single.
Not the ending you expected? I know; I know; I feel the same way.
It’s been two years since I celebrated Valentine’s Day with anyone’s daughter, which is a travesty because the world doesn’t get the honour and privilege of seeing my rare but highly acclaimed romantic side.
The last time I celebrated V-Day, I almost fell for the trick that men worldwide seem to fall for all the time — she says that it doesn’t mean a lot and you don’t have to do anything.
Whenever she says that, don’t listen, and I can’t stress this enough. Don’t even think about believing her.
It’s even worse than believing the government and politicians about development plans. If you believe her, you had better be prepared to pay for it, and for a very long time.
I don’t see the big deal about Valentine’s and so, years ago when I was young and even more foolish, I went online to do some research-based advocacy in order to convince my then-girlfriend that it was a waste of time.
Well, that whole adventure was a waste of time but I did learn some fun facts about whoever people think St Valentine was.
Let me explain. No one is absolutely sure which St Valentine is the patron saint of love and underwear removal.
There are two main contenders, though. One was a priest who was beheaded by the Roman Emperor Claudius II for secretly marrying couples, and the other the Bishop of Terni, who was also martyred by the same Claudius.
St Valentine was also the patron saint of beekeeping, and epilepsy, the plague, fainting and travelling.
It’s also highly suspected that Geoffrey Chaucer, a medieval English poet famous for taking liberty with historical facts and transposing his characters against history, which he painted as real, was probably the person who tied St Valentine’s Day to the celebration of romantic love in around 1275.
WHAT TO EXCUSE
Through his poem, "Parliament of Foules", he related celebrating romantic love to the day. And after the poem received widespread attention, the association started being made.
All these facts won’t help you get out of celebrating the day, though. I tried and gave up.
So what to do? If you can’t hire someone to fake your kidnapping, get a doctor’s note to say that you’re in an isolation ward for the week, or get your friend at the Foreign Affairs office to put her on a no-fly list so that if she’s out of the country, she can’t fly back; you'll have to do something for Valentine's
The something doesn’t even have to be big, as I’ve learnt, but it does have to be thoughtful.
Thoughtfulness requires you getting to know your girlfriend a little more than knowing her favourite music and whether or not she’s eaten, although the last part isn’t completely true.
Halfway to getting to a woman’s heart is through her stomach. This is the one day you can giggle when she eats food from your plate, although she’s an adult with her own plate of food. You’re even allowed to call it cute.
You can also get her a gift of some sort. But don’t break the bank. Keep the extra coins in the bank when she finds the texts from Stacy and Ciku, when you’re trying to explain that they call everybody “sweetie”.
But on to the gifts: there are so many gift stores online now that do deliveries and cards and the whole shebang.
I prefer to use my favourite, Purpink Store, which has saved me time and time again, but a quick Google search is enough.
You can be safe with dinner, flowers and a title deed for land in Joska, but you can also decide to go all out and have a big do, as long as you know she doesn’t mind it.
Men should also remember that they should expect nothing, and that this day is strictly about her.
The sooner you understand this, the quicker you can enjoy life and earn brownie points for at least the next week.
I envy people in love, though. It’s a beautiful space, the fluttery daydreams, forgetting that anything and anyone else in the world exists, and the warmth it brings to this cold, cruel world.
If you do find a good person, don’t muck it up because you’ll be that person talking about the one that got away even after you’re married and have three children.
Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!