MY STORY: There’s light at the end of the dark alcoholism tunnel

Rachel Wambui talks about how she escaped from the clutches of alcoholism and the miracle of everyday sobriety. PHOTO| COURTESY

What you need to know:

  • My disease has brought out a precious and unique ability to help other alcoholics who are suffering.
  • I remain open to reaching out to women, in particular.
  • It saddens me how stigmatised female alcoholics and addicts are – thus the high number of closeted women who have a problem.
  • Yet we are not immoral, we are sick and treatment is available.

“The merry month of December makes me very conscious of the fact that I am sober. See, I am a recovering alcoholic. I haven’t felt the need to drink, or use any other mood-altering substance in four years and seven months. That’s the miracle of my life.

“I had my first drink at about 17 at a nightclub; my date bought me a beer. I hated it –it was too bitter! But I drank it. I graduated from high school that year, and in the stint of nothingness just before college, I discovered hard liquor. It came in sachets and it came cheap. And it got me drunk fast. Later in sobriety I realised that this need to get drunk as fast as possible was a sign. Normal (social) drinkers pour a drink and sip it leisurely as they socialise, but my sole intention was to get drunk, to escape from the present moment. 

“I went to college and got my first job at 21. I got my own place and with it the freedom to party. I was just a young, independent woman having fun. It began as going out for a drink after work, then it gradually became an all-day affair. I became dependent on that quiet buzz just to get through the day. I had a few blackouts – there’d be 24 or so hours after my drinking sprees that I couldn’t account for (we, alcoholics, call it time travel.)

“In the beginning, booze made everything all right, but this disease is viciously progressive. It keeps demanding more and more, and the more it demands, the more it (the alcohol) stops working. The magic becomes elusive. So while being sober is depressing, being drunk becomes equally depressing. And no matter how destructive it gets, one simply CANNOT stop. God knows I tried! I tried religion, changing (to expensive) brands, controlling quantity, drinking wine only, drinking at home only, self-help books, exercise, therapy, psychiatry … I tried it all. Towards the end, I didn’t drink because I wanted to, I drank because I had to.

UNMANAGAEABLE LIFE

“Between the ages of 21 and 28 (when I got clean), my life became unmanageable. By the time my family intervened to take me to rehab, I had lost everything – I was unemployable, I had no home, no dignity and no hope for the future. My then four-year-old daughter was in her father’s care (God bless him!). I was in a deplorable state of body, mind and soul, although you couldn’t tell by looking at me because I used to clean up well and put on a face. At this point many people who’ve walked this path say they wanted to die; but I didn’t want to die – I wanted the emotional pain to stop.

“The story of my journey into recovery is long, but let me summarise it by saying that I found a group of people who showed and continue to show me the way. Once I admitted that I was an alcoholic and could no longer handle booze (or any other drug), I was well on my way to recovery. The first few months were not easy – it meant changing my routine from reaching for a drink in the morning, to reaching out to people who could help me. The first day I clocked 24 hours without a drink, 19th May, 2012, became my new birthday.

“Every morning, I surrender my day to a higher power and ask that power to keep me sober just for the next 24 hours. I stay close to other people who are in recovery. I lead a relatively normal life. I earn a living as a writer and media consultant. My relationships with my immediate family are better. There is still some debris to clean up with some members of my family whose lives my disease turned upside down, but when you are sober, there are immense possibilities.

“I still have fun. I go out and I have no problem being around people who drink. As long as I  remember that I can never EVER drink normally, then I’ll be okay. Nevertheless, my idea of a good time has changed; I prefer staying home with a book and a mug of hot chocolate to a night out. I try to exercise and meditate every day because it keeps me mentally and emotionally fit. Most of us alcoholics and addicts had deep-seated issues way before we discovered booze. The drinking is how we coped. Now we have to use healthier avenues. Every day, I work towards being at peace with myself, my higher power and my fellow man. The last four years have felt like meeting myself for the first time. I am in love with the woman I am becoming. I’m not cured, that’s why I can never drink again. One drink – that’s all it would take to drive me back to the darkness. I have too much light in my life today to risk that.

“My disease has brought out a precious and unique ability to help other alcoholics who are suffering. I remain open to reaching out to women, in particular. It saddens me how stigmatised female alcoholics and addicts are – thus the high number of closeted women who have a problem. Yet we are not immoral, we are sick and treatment is available. Recovery is possible. If only there was a lot more open-mindedness, understanding and tolerance, a lot more women would come out and rebuild their lives as I have.”