HEART ADVICE: I want my husband to be more romantic
Please help me work things out with my husband. We have been married for five years now. He provides for me and our three-year-old child in every way. PHOTO| FILE
What you need to know:
- I understand your pain and I truly feel sorry. A problem is, however, not solved by creating another problem.
- You should never expect to spice up your marriage by having an affair. Talk to him and establish where the problem is.
- Your husband might be having an issue that makes him behave that way.
Q: Please help me work things out with my husband. We have been married for five years now. He provides for me and our three-year-old child in every way. I have a job but I manage to save all my money because he takes care of all the bills and even my personal needs very generously. The problem is… ever since baby came, our marriage has felt dry and empty. When I try to talk to him about my day he tunes out. He doesn’t offer much conversation about his day, either. There is no romance – to be honest, he wasn’t really romantic even when we were dating, but I hoped he would change after that. I never get flowers or jewellery. For Valentine’s Day last year he took me to the local pub for nyama choma after I insisted on a date. I don’t even know what we will do this year. Sex with him is really boring. What can I do to bring the spice back? Or should I just have an affair to compensate for all the things I am missing?
READERS REPLY
I understand your pain and I truly feel sorry. A problem is, however, not solved by creating another problem. You should never expect to spice up your marriage by having an affair. ItTalk to him and establish where the problem is. Your husband might be having an issue that makes him behave that way. It is important to comfort him and show him that you really love him, that he can always count on you as a spouse and also a best friend. Be his confidante and he will openly share his problems with you and your marriage will be spiced up afresh. If you try all this and it fails, consider seeking professional counselling. All the best. Calvin Queens, via email.
First of all you should appreciate him because nowadays, few men are providers, leave alone that rare extent of provision. Secondly, there is no perfect marriage. The key to any relationship is communication so you shouldn’t be afraid to open up to him. Tell him of all the ways you think you should improve your marriage. Since he has always displayed the same traits, don’t expect him to change overnight. Cheating should be the last thing on your mind because it will not solve anything and you risk losing your marriage. All the best. Sam Rinsyi, via email.
You still dated him while you knew he’s not romantic and ended up getting married to him and have kids. Now just prepare a nice meal and organise a candle lit dinner for Valentine’s day. Make sure your child sleeps early and enjoy the night with him. It’s not a must you go out. Nick Aiden, via Facebook.
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Expert advice
Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:
What I have understood from your story is that you met and agreed to date and later marry a man who was not romantic. Seeking greener pastures is a choice you can make but let me remind you that you have described your husband as a very proactive provider to you and to your child. It would be unfortunate for you to risk your marriage for a cheap thrill. I do understand that your needs are real and should be addressed. What I recommend is that you have a candid sit-down with your husband and tell him of your desires so that you can both be on the same page. It is important that you seduce his ego by telling him that you know he can be that extra romantic guy and then narrate to him what else you need him to be. You also need to be patient to give him time to digest the information. You need to try and try again before you give up on a husband who, for now at least, goes beyond what many men fail at achieving.
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Next week’s dilemma: I am in my 40s and a single parent of two teenage girls. We moved back into the country a few years ago. I keep getting haunted by my dark past that is known by many. As a result, I have faced stigma and rejection and most times I am alone. I have tried to move on but these thoughts keep coming up. My girls are growing and my fear is how it will affect them if they get to know about my past. They have started asking me to look for someone to take care of me as they see how I am struggling. How do I get past these regrets as the past cannot be changed? How do I deal with my girls? Sometimes I feel like getting a one-way ticket and just leaving so that I can avoid all this stigma and rejection. All I seek is peace of mind. Please help.
