HEART ADVICE: How do I make my girl trust me again?

Q: Hi. My girlfriend of two years and I keep fighting. The last time we had a fight I really blew up and almost became violent. I didn’t hit her, I controlled myself just in time, but now she says she’s afraid of me and she wants to break up with me. I love her too much for that to happen. She used to forgive me in the past but this time she has refused, even though I have bought her flowers and chocolates to show how sorry I am. What can I do to make her see that I love her and I never want to hurt her?

READERS' ADVICE

If your girlfriend has been forgiving you in the past, ask yourself why she won’t forgive you now. Maybe she is tired of you repeating the same mistake. Sit down with her and iron it out to find where the problem is and find a solution. Remember, flowers don’t show love. Action speaks louder. If you see that it can’t work, don’t fight because you can’t show her love if she does not want it. Better you part ways before anyone gets harmed. You can also seek help from a counselor.

Benard Nyandika Asiago, Narok.

Kudos for controlling yourself no matter how annoyed you were. Real men disagree but don’t hit women. That said, fights are inevitable in relationships, so if she wants to call it quits, then let her go because as long as you are together, you will have to fight over this or that. Maybe you will find a woman who will know how to help you control your temper during such ugly fights. Gworo Felix, via email.

You seem to have a quick temper; what is the cause of your fights with your girlfriend? How was your childhood? Was it violent in any way? Your childhood really shapes your future. You need to stop pressuring her and start working on yourself. Go for anger management classes, and also get some mentoring from men you respect. After you have worked on yourself you can handle all types of relationships, otherwise you can’t expect different results while acting the same way you have been acting. Good luck. Monicah Wanjau, via email.

It seems you are the catalyst for the frequent fights with your girlfriend. It’s commendable that you are sorry and not ready to lose her, but you need to look at the issues that bring up the fights. See if you can change the way you deal with them. Try as much as you can to avoid such arguments. Explain to her that you will change, and show her actions, not just words. Also learn how to control your anger every time you see red signs.

Juma Felix, via email. 

Try to control your temper. So far your girlfriend has been tolerating your fights and now she’s fed up. Please take it slow; don’t rush her. If possible, take a break from each other but stay in touch.

Vivian Aluse, via email.

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EXPERT ADVICE

Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:

 

Considering you have admitted you keep fighting with your girlfriend, it is important to establish why you keep fighting. Is it possible that your relationship has come to a dead end for one reason or another? If your girlfriend is afraid of you, it is probably best to let her be for now. Take a break from each other and rethink your relationship, and see if you both feel the same way after the duration of the break. Whatever you do, do not force the relationship to work; that will only make things worse between you. Tell her you are sorry for making her fear you and let her know that a short break might be ideal. I also recommend that you both list down on paper the things you would like to see in your relationship. That will give you something to think about during your break. It is crucial to move on from the fighting and create a functional relationship through this period of reflection and healing.

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NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA: I am a single mum of one. I met this guy who works near my workplace. We see each other every morning as I go to work. I like him a lot, we even went on a date once and we had a lot of fun. Later on while talking with my colleagues at work, I found out that he is married. He tells me he is single, but I haven’t told him that I know he is married. Nobody knows that we are dating,  so my workmates share all his marriage issues with me. I don’t want to lose him since I like him a lot, but at the same time, I am mad that he is lying to me. What should I do?