Q: I was in a relationship with a lady for three years before things went south with her. From then I have tried my hand at countless relationships with no fruits at all. However, what stands out is that they claim I'm paranoid and distrustful. What could be wrong with me? What should I do right?
Whenever there is a break up in a relationship, one may blame himself for causing it. There is also frustration and fear that the next relationship may go the same way. This may lead to paranoia and mistrust. Could be you are going through this?
I suggest you forget what caused the break up and work on your future. Have confidence in yourself and try to see your current and future dates as different from the others that failed. Improve on what you learnt from the failed relationship. Try to be more trusting and accommodative. All the best. John Wambugu via email.
You need to accept that your past relationship is over and move on. Being paranoid means that you are not confident and not ready to enter a new relationship. My advice is this: accept that the past is gone and work on the errors that led to the breaking of the relationship. Once you have confidence in you, get ready to start a new relationship. Dennis Kangwana, via email.
There is clearly something about you that is controlling and negative – please don’t ignore the feedback you are getting from all the women you are dealing with.
The best thing to do is to evaluate yourself to see where your insecurities are coming from so that you can deal with them. If you are incapable of doing so, sit down with one of the women you have tried to date and ask her to tell you, honestly, what you did wrong with her and how it made her feel.
Do not judge her or argue while doing so; your only job is to listen and acknowledge. Finally, I strongly advise that you see a counsellor or therapist who can help you unpack your issues and teach you how to eliminate them. Wangari Jane, via email.
Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:
Based on the information you provide, there is definitely something about you that collapses your relationships. It is likely that you suffer from your own inner insecurities that may have been brought on by your three-year relationship, or you may have had them for much longer.
Insecurity is damaging because you find yourself micro-managing every aspect of your partner’s life so at some point they feel caged, enough to want to free themselves and leave.
You probably enter into a relationship with your own expectation of how the relationship should look like, and that imprisons your partner. All the questioning adds to the push that makes them leave.
You need to look within yourself and establish why you push people away and then dedicate yourself to changing otherwise your current predicament will be with you for the rest of your life.
NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA
My man of one year is about to go to a foreign country on another continent for studies. We love each other very much. For the past year, we have spent most of our time together. I don’t know how I will survive while he is gone. He will only be gone for a year but I hear many people say that long distance relationships are doomed. Should I break up with him and let him know that when he returns, we can see if we’re still interested in each other? If not, how can we make our long distance relationship a fruitful one? I appreciate any advice.