There’s a time to apologise

A young lad told me that his woman asked him why men (meaning him) find it so hard to apologise. Because it’s impossible for one man to speak for all men, and because I didn’t have an answer to the “why men” question, I answered him with an analogy.

You drive, right? He said yes. Now imagine you’re reading a text message in slow moving traffic when you hear a thud and looking up, you realise you have rammed into the car ahead.

What do you do? I asked him. You get out of the car and access the damage, he said. Correct. What do you then do when you find out that it’s a small dent that a child can palm back in place? Uhm, you palm it back in shape? He asked. Er, no.

You are not going to get your hands dirty. Try again, what do you do? I asked. You exchange contacts? He said to which I said, no, that’s not a cocktail function. What is the immediate thing you do? I asked. He was confused, so I helped him.

COMPLETELY INSANE?

I said, you look at the other drive ludicrously and ask, “My God, why would you reverse on the main road?” The driver will not believe your nerve.

They will say, “Are you completely insane? I didn’t reverse anywhere, you rammed into me!” You will say, “Oh please. That’s not how I remember it. I had my foot on my brakes and then I heard a bang [you can also use a “boom” for effect].” They will say. “This is idiotic. Anyway, everybody who learnt how to drive in a proper driving school and not a football pitch will know that you if you hit anyone from behind you are at fault. Maybe we should wait for the police.” You will say, yes, maybe we should!

Of course when the policeman comes he will have one look at the accident and say, “Why do I have to solve even obvious disagreements? You with your shiny forehead (pointing at you) are in the wrong. You either fix it here or you involve the law.” Only then will you exchange contacts. Do you know why you are being stubborn? I asked him. He didn’t know. “Because your insurance said that you should never to accept liability!” That’s how this works. So I should never admit liability, is that what you are saying? I said no; admitting liability and apologising are two different things – because sometimes you can apologise even when you are not wrong.

RIDICULOUS

It’s ridiculous to say that men don’t like apologizing; we apologise plenty. It’s just that we don’t have the right language for it. There are instances where one should apologise swiftly. If you borrow her car and the police find it in Maralal, then you should apologise quickly. If you keep her waiting on a date, you must apologise. If you forgot her birthday, you apologise like mad. If you say something that hurt her feelings, you apologise. But if you refuse to go to another dreadful party thrown by her friends, or another wedding where she wants you to wear something that matches her top, don’t go and don’t apologise. If you two were having a great time and suddenly she says, “Why are you looking at her, is she you type?” and you tell her no, you are my type baby and she goes on and on about that story and it gets out of hand, don’t apologise.

If you are the kind of chap who always is home by 11am on Fridays or Saturdays and this one time you rock up home at 5am and she sulks for two days, don’t apologise because that will mean that you have a curfew. But you are a grown man and you know that as a well adjusted man going home at some hour is just plain irresponsible, but it happened just once because of reasons beyond your control. In this case, pretend you don’t know why she is mad and just be extra nice. Crack jokes. Take her for dinner. Act normal.

Sometimes, saying “I’m sorry” is required because it’s admission that you are wrong and she is right. And your woman will always want to be right even if she says, “This is not about who is right and who is wrong!” Most times she is right but sometimes she is wrong and she wants to feel right.

DON'T GIVE HER THAT PRESSURE

Don’t give her that pleasure. But it’s also important to learn to be wrong even when you are right because we are men and it seems we are born wrong. I know it sounds complicated but if relationships weren’t so complicated I wouldn’t be writing this column.

Having said that I think there are spats that one has to nip in the bud. There are also times that you have to communicate with your silence.

Then there are times that you have to back the hell down and swallow your pride. Because sometimes, “winning” brings emptiness. There are times that you have to put your foot down, and keep it down.

And then times that you earnestly have to say, “I’m sorry, darling” and have the right face for it.

Sometimes you apologise because you mean it. Sometimes you apologise for the sake of peace. Sometimes you apologise because it’s the only thing that will get things back to normal.

Then there are times you just shouldn’t apologise. Just say, “I hear you and I have internalised this. Now can we order something to eat? Slow cooked lamb, sounds good, ya?” But one important truism: saying you are sorry doesn’t make you weak. Neither is not saying you are sorry. This thing is so complicated; there is no handbook to it. And you certainly won’t get answers in newspapers. I’m also just winging it, guys.