I'm one of those people who likes to watch movies so that if I don't like them or I'm critiquing them, I at least know what I'm talking about – i.e. I have a knowledge base upon which to delicately place my hateration on. It's a useful thing to have in this dance soiree.
That being said, one of my most regrettable movies of the year is officially Pitch Perfect 3. Just like its predecessor before it, it managed to be a little more of a disappointment than Part 2.
Part 1 was acceptable, because it was novel, and it gave us the national treasure that is Fat Amy, and her Fat Amy-sized confidence. It also gave us Ester Dean, whose magic we've all witnessed (look her up, I'm sure she's behind many songs you had no idea were her).
And yes, sure, again, Anna Kendrick, but really, Fat Amy stole the limelight.
The premise was fantastic – awkward college girls who are more or less supposed outcasts find each other in a type of college glee group that is kind of a sorority and comes with none of the perks – you gain a family, but everyone thinks you and the Greeks – sorry, geeks – you belong to, are major dorks.
It all works out in the end, you see your worth, win a few competitions, get with the guy version to your girl tunes, and you rock each other's worlds. A capella heaven.
Then, because the premise was so good, they made a sequel. Which is always the way Hollywood goes, isn't it? Unfortunately for the rest of the world, we had to be subjected to another movie, and another competition.
And if we're being perfectly straightforward, yes, we all watched the movie, but no, the Bellas definitely did not deserve to win against those Eurovision wonders.
And then...another one! At which point the producers behind this franchise decided to pull a sneaky move – following through from college and what the Bellas left behind, they introduced the Bellas who were still behind, led by their 'Flashlight'-singing youth-wielding ex-protege head.
I say sneaky because that's exactly what The Fast and The Furious franchise is doing to us (and I'm onto them) with their undercover presentation of all of the main actor's children, to carry on the lineage of their parents.
I'm telling you now – Fast and Furious 15 will be one of those coming of age movies when all their kids become legal and suddenly have to partner with the CIA to save the world? Cuba? Tundra-covered Russia? from drug lords and terrible puns. You read it here first.
But I digress. I would be disappointed but not particularly surprised if the Bellas have a fourth instalment in this already far too long line of flicks.They're making too much money from gullible people like me who really just want to see Fat Amy.
And I know they know this because the last movie was basically about her. Everyone is sad and depressed after college, having terrible jobs and remembering with nostalgia the glory days of college, when suddenly, there's a convenient reunion where they all realise they miss each other and should sing together again.
There's a convenient connection to an army tour that is conveniently touring all over Europe with DJ Khaled, who will eat anything except feline cuisine, and who is conveniently looking for a new opening act for his tour.
They are now conveniently in a competition to the death, during which Fat Amy's father conveniently shows up and tries to convince her to go away with him. A scheme is afoot, obviously, which you would think was immediately apparent from the sub standard scripting, but it conveniently isn't.
One unnecessarily involved kidnap plot later, the girls are saved and Becca wins the coveted DJ Khaled spot as they all conveniently sing on stage about what really matters (family and outsmarting your conman father). I know I should have said spoiler alert at the beginning of this complaining, but I really couldn't be bothered to...well, bother. The scriptwriters weren't really trying, and so neither am I.