Courage to walk alone falters when desire to belong torments the heart

What you need to know:

  • In the latest episode, Hellena succumbs to pressure to conform.

  • She was finding it difficult to fit in because Ahmed, who had enticed her into taking the leap into the unknown, had left her in the care of a total stranger, Rahma.

  • Now she was mostly alone, except when Rahma flitted into her orbit. But Rahma’s face was hidden behind a stern mask and she rarely talked to Hellena.

Hot, dusty and isolated like a desert island, Garissa was a far cry from the life of adventure that Hellena had imagined when she eloped from her cousin’s home in Nairobi.

She was finding it difficult to fit in because Ahmed, who had enticed her into taking the leap into the unknown, had left her in the care of a total stranger, Rahma.

Hellena was having a problem understanding what Rahma was up to and her mood was growing darker because the rush of adrenaline that had fired her escape from Nairobi had ebbed.

Now she was mostly alone, except when Rahma flitted into her orbit. But Rahma’s face was hidden behind a stern mask and she rarely talked to Hellena.

As a result, Hellena found her mind constantly drifting back to the life she had lived in Nairobi and the loss she had endured when she lost her unborn child.

When she had woken from the induced coma at the hospital, and the clinical officer broke the sad news that Hellena had lost her unborn child, an unexplained void had engulfed her.

She felt dizzy, like a person falling into a bottomless pit. She tried to reach out for a helping hand but found that she was all alone.

‘Is there a God? she asked herself helplessly. ‘And if there is, why would he let me suffer like this? What sin did my child commit to deserve that fate?’ Tears welled up in her eyes as the waves of torment tossed her this way and that.

These memories came flooding back as she lay in bed in her cubicle, oppressed by the heat outside. She could not help but wonder about Tonny, the rural boy who had been responsible for putting her in the family way.

Although the hole that Tonny had left in her heart had quickly been filled by Ahmed, she found herself aching for Ahmed the longer he stayed away from her.

Not only did he occupy her heart but also her mind. She yearned for something bigger. She had hoped that he would embrace her and shelter her in his big heart.

‘If only I could belong to him and he to me,’ she thought to herself with a sigh. Part of her torment arose because, there was little to do in Garissa, and her memories drifted to the evenings she had spent with Ahmed and his friends, playing football at sundown, and later joining him and his family for evening meals.

As she lay in bed one morning, lost in her thoughts, she heard a group of young people make their way into the house noisily.

No sooner were they in, however, than they retreated for a discussion in low tones as if plotting some major investment. Occasionally, a pearl of laughter would waft through the air, a signal that the young people next door was sharing moments of joy.

Hellena wished she had someone to make her laugh too. The loneliness was killing her slowly. She did not belong.

She felt like a stranger surrounded by people who were friends, brothers and sisters and she was the lone outsider.

“Here, wake up and have your break- fast,” Rahma said as she walked into Hellena’s room.

She placed a tray with a sumptuous breakfast of eggs, slices of paw-paw and melon, a small pot of tea and several slices of oatmeal bread.

In a strange way that Hellena could not explain, she found that Rahma offered her care and comfort like a mother. Rahma, who was much older, always helped Hellena fit in her new clothes, which covered her entire body leaving only her eyes like two little windows.

“When will he be back?” Hellena asked as she enjoyed her breakfast. “Hoping to see him soon too; I miss him too. He is like my son,” Rahma said.

As they sat their chatting, they heard the door knob turn, letting the creaking door wide open to usher a weary and hagard-looking Ahmed. Excitement rose in the room like steam from a boiling pot. “Assalam Alleikum!” he greeted them as he released the luggage from his hand, letting it land on the floor in a thud.

The contents of the bag spilled out and that was when Hellena’s eyes popped open; the bag was full of military fatigues.

“What are those for?” she asked alarmed. “Oh, they are just new clothes I bought,” he said casually.

The confidence in his voice still the alarm bells that had started to ring in her mind. “Where did you leave the boys?” inquired Hellena after a long pause.

“At work,” Ahmed replied. “Why all the questions? I wouldn’t mind a bite too”.

Rahma dashed out and brought another tray and Ahmed settled down to enjoy his meal. Something about Ahmed was not right and this made Hellena suddenly pensive.

She was beginning to have second thoughts about her continued stay in Garissa, even wondering whether Ahmed was real or was upto something.

“I propose we go back to the city,” she requested, staring at the cemented floor. Ahmed pretended not have heard her. He tried employing all manner of tricks to evade the question of returning to Nairobi.

As far as he was concerned that part of his life and Hellena’s belonged to the past. A heavy silence descended on the room. Hellena threw the challenged to Rahma. After ruminating over it, Rahma said:

“Instead of going back to the city and get stranded given that both your cousin and mother cannot raise college fees for you why don’t you just stay with me?” “My cousin had plans already,” Hellena answered.

“I doubt. From what I have heard, she is equally struggling. I can offer you help if we reach a consensus,” Rahma offered before tabling her proposal.

The offer was too tempting. Hellena was torn between sticking to her guns and insisting on returning to the city or even the village or to take a chance with

Ahmed and the life that being with him promised. But to enjoy the fruit of that promise, she had to convert to Islam.

Until that point, the happenings within the small town of Garrisa had been strange for her. She remained indoors most of the time and in the event that she needed to go out she had to be accompanied at all times.

What was more, she had to match her fellow women with a bui bui and a ninja on her face. At first, she had thought that wearing the clothes was part of her adventure.

Now, if she accepted Rahma’s offer, she would have to wear them as a religious obligation. In return, Rahma had promised to pay enrol her at Garissa university and pay her fees.

“What are your instincts telling you?” Ahmed asked Hellena, hoping that he had done enough to lure her into his snare. Hellena was confused. Changing religion was not something one did on a whim.

She thought about her mother and all the values she had tried to instil into her over the years. She thought about Tonny and the baby she had lost.

Then she thought about the university degree that she believed would open the door to her future. She could not mind an easy way out of her dilemma.

“Okay, I will do it for you. I am ready to convert to Islam,” she blurted.