Pop culture demystified

Happy shopping woman texting on her cell phone. You have just arrived on earth from a distant planet in space gear. Everything is strange in the city. Photo/FILE

What you need to know:

  • Then there is this thing they call the Internet, which tells you that what’s going on then is called pop culture: A way of life for the urbanites.
  • It’s all so confusing. But to survive, to thrive and to understand the mannerisms of these humans who live in this strange, ever-changing boroughs you have to tap into this culture.
  • Or you will forever swirl in your own parallel world.

You have just arrived on earth from a distant planet in space gear. Everything is strange in the city.

The gnomes from this outer-world walk the land with strange attire, eating strange food, talking funny.

Then there is this thing they call the Internet, which tells you that what’s going on then is called pop culture: A way of life for the urbanites.

It’s all so confusing. But to survive, to thrive and to understand the mannerisms of these humans who live in this strange, ever-changing boroughs you have to tap into this culture. Or you will forever swirl in your own parallel world.

Which is to say you need a map to navigate the world of every transforming urban colloquialism, you need to identify the tools they use day-to-day. You need a glossary. Here, have a look. It’s not in alphabetic order – at least not theirs.

A clutch purse

It’s the size of a beanbag and is normally pressed under the armpit. Like a bat, the clutch bag only comes out in the evenings together with high-heels and dresses that cling onto curves.

The contents of the clutch bag continue to remain a mystery.

We suspect in there is some chewing gum, lip-gloss/balm, Sh3, 000 bills folded 25 times (just in case the evening goes sour), a safety pin (in case the seams and hems of the dress act up) and perhaps some floss.

A ratchet

A woman who can’t be caught dead carrying a clutch purse. Or a woman who attends Masaku 7s.

Fine

It’s a sign the universe sends to unsuspecting men to warn them when they are already standing on lava. E.g. You: I think I will step out and go hang out with kina Jose. Her: Fine. Meaning: Don’t go!

Fine

Beautiful.

Chemical warfare

To get a woman completely smashed with intentions that your pastor would not exactly approve.

Patisserie

Where “new money” goes on Saturdays to talk about their last holiday in Dubai.

Fornication bag

Mostly carried by women on Fridays. It’s a bag that can carry three changes of clothes, extra shoes, a juicer, a headscarf, mirror, and numerous intentions of not going back home.

WhatsApp

What has ruined the traditional art of seduction for the Y- generation.

Valet parking

When a dapper young man in a hat at the entrance of a snazzy hotel takes your car (Proboxes not included) off your hands to park it for you.

Socialite

A woman whose buttocks say more than her brains can.

Mchele

To have your drink spiked. It’s the price you pay for disregarding the old wise counsel of your mom: Don’t talk to strangers. (Especially in bars).

Xaxa

Greeting for the young and the lost and a testimony that society is breeding the next generation of literary numbskulls. 

MILF

This is an acronym I can’t spell out in full because my editor here, Wayua, doesn’t allow such colourful language. But it’s basically a much older mother who, uhm, doesn’t look like a much older mother. 

Instagram

A social media platform where you can remind all your followers that your life is more fun than theirs.

Xwiry

What the small girls with amateurish makeup call those they want airtime from.

Power bank

The modern ball and chain.

Chapos

Another way to a man’s heart.

Nikki Minaj

A testimony that advertising does actually work.

Hustler

How men who do nothing introduce themselves to sound productive, mysterious and risqué.

Twitter bigwig

Socially awkward couch potato with too much time and opinion on his hands.

Social media guru

Twitter Bigwig’s drinking buddy.

Groupie

A fan that hasn’t graduated to a stalker

Let’s do drinks soon

The easiest way to end conversations with people you don’t particularly care to meet again.

 

Happy Saturday, urbanites.