A man’s guide to skipping Valentine's Day

It could be my imagination, but all the men I’ve come across since Wednesday this week have this panic-stricken look about them.

This look is especially pained today. And with good reason.

It is Valentine’s Day, the day that, if they were honest, most attached men dread.

They dread it so much, I’m told they deliberately get into their girlfriend’s bad books a couple of days before Saint valentine’s Day, just to avoid buying flowers and those other must-have Valentines’ specials that women demand.

Unfortunately, still smarting from the overwhelming demands of January, this expensive day is a pain in the neck, which you would rather do without.

I’m a woman, so I am partial to chocolates and the like, but I feel your wallet’s pain gentlemen, therefore, if you have no money to shower your woman with today, there are a couple of things that you can do to set yourself free.

I will not promise that the damage will be minimal, but at least you will not spend money you don’t have.

Attack first: If all you can afford is a cheap bar of chocolate, or the droopy rose stems vendors hawk on the street for a hundred bob, give a heartfelt speech before you present your measly offering.

THE FIRST THING THAT ATTRACTED YOU TO HER

Tell her that the first thing that attracted you to her is the fact that she is easy to please, that she is not fussy, and that unlike many women, she is always grateful of what you do for her…when you’re sure she has mellowed enough, only then should you present her with your wanting gift.

She will seethe inside and call you names, (silently of course, and what you don’t know can’s hurt you, right?) but she would be a fool to refute all the good things you said about her by throwing a tantrum. Problem solved.

Work late: Remember that long overdue report you were to hand over to the boss? Well, tonight’s the time to do it. She will be disappointed, she will sulk, and even suspect that you are lying, but there is no better cover than work.

Even if there is no report to do, stay in the office playing some computer game until it is sufficiently late to do anything significant.

Chances are that she will call you in the office, just to ensure you’re not lying, so stay by the office line and answer it promptly.

I could tell you to fake an out of town trip, but this will only sow unfounded suspicion. Stick to the office, and if need be, ask her to wait for you at the reception while you complete the report.

Be honest: It may be hard to believe, but sometimes, honesty is the best policy. It will not earn you any brownie points, but coming right out and admitting that you’re broke and cannot afford to celebrate Valentine’s Day this year will save you a lot of grief now and later. There is a chance that she might dump you, and if she does, look on the bright side, you don’t want to be with someone who is just interested in your money, right?

If you have no one significant other to spend today with, don’t bow to societal pressure and go looking for any Jane, Susan or Sharon.

You will end up spending money you could have put to better use, and for a tension-filled evening spent trying to impress someone you don’t care for.

Happy Valentine’s day!