Dealing with the other woman

So maybe this has happened to you. You walk out of the bathroom, whistling under your breath, and when you step into the bedroom you find her holding your phone – which stops you mid-whistle.

There is a way she is holding the phone; limply, like you would hold a sleeping child in your arms, with his head dangling awkwardly on your arm. She just sits there, at the edge of the bed, staring at this spot on the floor. You went through this part at the Men’s School of Crisis Management.

You know the drill: say less. Don’t blink. Lower your voice. Take deep breaths.

Before you can ask her if something is the matter (rhetorical question), she lazily looks up at you and asks, “Is there something you need to tell me?”

That question hangs in the air like a beans-induced fart. It refuses to go. Is there something you should tell her? My God, what is she talking about?

There are a million things she could be talking about, some as old as five years. Who called? Who SMSed? Who emailed? So you stand there trying to look casual and unmoored.

And because we are men and we are programmed to stall, you will do the one thing you shouldn’t do, you will blink. Twice. Then ask like a complete retard; “huh?” She will then know she has you by the nuts.

You will ask, “What are you talking about?” And she will sigh, that long drawn out sigh that women give to suggest that you must think they are fools but they aren’t. You are.

Option A and B

Now two things will quickly happen here depending on who you are dealing with. If she is the very sharp one, the one who can break you without a word, she will not say anything after.

She will drop your phone on the bed and walk out of the room and maybe the house. You will find the evidence she was talking about, whatever it is, and when your breathing has gone back to normal, you will try to explain yourself but she will only say, “It’s OK, you are a grown man, do what you want to do.” And she will not mention it again and she will act normal and it will eat you like cancer and you will be sure that one day she will drive a knife in your neck while you are eating an orange.

You will never sleep well again. You will lose appetite, then you will lose sleep, and then finally you will look like a scarecrow and eventually you will crawl under a tree in Jevanjee Gardens and die there with trembling lips and she will smile eventually after a long time.

Or, if she is the not-so-smart one she will throw that phone at you, missing your head by a dog’s hair. And she will scream and cuss and call you all sorts of names and she will walk around her house calling you very colourful names and then she will say, “bring that phone here” and before you can say “Abdul” she will snatch it from your hands and say, “I’m calling that [insert female dog here] now!”

Then she will call and you will pray that the female dog has left her phone in her bag and it’s on silent and she is driving with loud music.

But the female dog will answer and she will ask the female dog,

“Do you know Marvin?” and the female dog will ask indignantly, “Who the hell is this?” and she will reply vehemently, “I’m Marvin’s girlfriend, you [female dog], now tell me what the hell are you doing sending him these nude photos, don’t you have any self respect you cheap [insert synonym for prostitute] and shouldn’t you be gyming first before you can send pictures of your wobbly ass to him?”

Funny ruckus

You will want to laugh out loud and say, “Come on, it’s not that wobbly” but you will stand there like a statue and hear the female dog shouting back and there is such ruckus and the female dog will say she can’t handle a conversation with a psychopath like her, and someone will hang up andthere will be heavy breathing after which she will turn to you and chew your ass and ask you why she called her a “psychopath” to which you will be tempted to say, “because you called her ass wobbly.”

But you won’t so she will say, “You will have to choose between me or that ratchet of yours with a wobbly ass,” and you will want to chuckle at that wobbly ass comment, You will stand there and look at the windows and wonder how they are now all streamed up and why you even need to stay with her at all.

There is a point to this, ladies. Do not call the other woman. That’s now you retain your dignity through that drama.