BRIDE-TO-BE: I wonder if I’m ready to be a wife

I always knew I wanted to be married one day.

In retrospect, watching movies, TV shows and reading books fuelled this desire to have a white dress, endless cakes, a handsome groom and lots of glamorous photos.

However as I  grew older, I realised that a wedding is really just a ceremony. The real work starts after you sign that certificate.

As the day draws nearer, I find myself wondering whether I am ready to be a wife. This isn’t something I can walk out of. It’s not a game that I can stop and pick up the next day when I want. This is real life, and I am not sure I am ready.

‘TINIEST THINGS’

I have been to enough bridal showers, and  one recurrent point that stands out is that you need to pray, because small things can ruin the peace in your marriage.

Yes, most of my friends are Christians so my lens is informed by this worldview. Married women say that it is the tiniest things that will cause offense and that you need to learn how to let it go.

By smallest things it’s the leaving socks everywhere or putting a wet towel on the bed. It is being expected to give your husband a pat on the back for taking care of his child. I am so stubborn, so will I be able to drop it?

Another thing that causes a lot of friction is communication. It is the things you say and don’t say. It’s how you say it, when you say it. I for one know I have the bad habit of not saying something and  either expect him to figure it out or choose not to speak up about something that bothers me.

This has caused problems in our relationship because he is the opposite. He is more open to talk about what he wants or how something made him feel. Oh ,and he asks a lot of questions.

FAMILY THAT RARELY TALKS

My background coming from a family that rarely talks unless it is necessary informs how I communicate. I find it very uncomfortable to express how I really feel  for fear of judgement.

I also don’t want to rock the boat so I suffer silently until it’s too late and I have to speak up. We are both learning how to find our own way of communicating and  I hope it will get better with time.

In pre-marital counselling, we learned about conflict resolution. They told us that  way you deal with conflict determines the wellbeing of your relationship.

There are some couples who always walk away from the conflict, others bury their heads in the sand and never address it, others choose to become defensive and blame the other person.

If there is one thing that is for sure, it is that we shall butt heads from time to time.

The hardest thing for me to learn has been to not leave. In fact, our pastor said that for him, that is what has always worked. I decided to do this long before we were told, and boy is it hard.

Sitting there, steam coming out of your ears and nose( ok, maybe that’s too extra) and struggling not to give him a piece of my mind opens up a sweet spot for a heartfelt make-up.

It is true that sometimes you cannot solve the issue at that time so you agree to sleep on it and address it at a later time, when both of you are sober and can talk things through in a relaxed environment.

It is easy now because we don’t live together and don’t see each other daily, but the real test is coming and I hope we can manage to practise fighting fair.

ABSTINENCE

Then there is the sex part. Yes, I  said it. We have been practicing abstinence and that has been really hard. Now when you get into marriage my worry is , what if we get bored of each other?

I know TV lies but you hear some of your friends talking and wondering ,  how do you manage that position? Is he going to want me waxed, nails always done, hair always laid? How much is too much or too little?

Apparently the older you get the more fulfilling it gets.  I really hope we shall be able to cross that bridge gracefully. I cannot imagine sitting at a counsellor’s desk because that is one of our issues.

You cannot eat love. No matter how perfect you are for each other, if the money is a problem, you are kind of setting yourself up for failure. I will be vulnerable and say that right now, Mr. Man is holding up the fort for both of us.

He doesn’t mind paying now but this won’t last forever. Soon the day to day realities will cause pressure and we shall find ourselves fighting all the time.

Aside from that ,there is dignity in being able to cater to your own needs and wants as a woman. The indignity of having to ask someone for money to buy sanitary pads is just too much for me to bear. Money gives you options, affords you choices.

Finally, will I be a bonafide homemaker? I am a decent cook, but not all the time. Mr.Man is vocal about his likes and dislikes in that sector and I am having to hold my tongue every time he voices his preferences.

I hate doing laundry and while I am not a slob, I am not a clean freak. Then there is the in-laws. Goodness, when do you know about the hosting schedule?

What if I don’t match up as the newest addition? When I go upcountry, will I be expected to cook with firewood?

I remember my last experience with three stones and firewood and cringe at the thought of doing it again.

I don’t know about all the other brides out there, but these are my worries. I have had a breakdown of sorts and I know I need to talk to someone.

This is a huge life transition and  I want to get it right. Half the battle is already won because I found the right person so now we just have to figure out how to do life together.