MAN IN THE HOOD: Why I won’t be going to ‘ocha’ this Christmas

Unlike most Kenyans, I’ve not made any plans to go upcountry for Christmas.

Some are already in “ocha”, enjoying the country breeze and training their stomachs for the feasting marathon that’s about to commence.

As for me, I will be staying in town. I like quoting rappers instead of prominent intellectuals of the past (see my messed-up priorities), so in the words of the legendary Earl Simmons, popularly known as DMX, I have only one thing to say about Christmas, and that is “Bring it! We are right here. We're not going anywhere.”

Well, I hope my parents are not reading this. Don’t snitch on me. Okay? I can already picture my cousin Rachel picking up the phone and calling my mother to tell her I won’t be coming.

Put down the phone Rachel. Or else I won’t hook you up with one of my cool guy friends like I did last time. Haha.

SENSIBLE REASONS

Anyway, I have very sensible reasons why I won’t be making the journey to Kakamega County. Word has reached me that people in the village are planning to treat me like a Friesian cow. They are planning to milk me until I have no money left. According to a reliable source, one village was quoted as saying “Huyo kijana Etemesi naskia ako na pesa sana. Naskia anaandikanga Nation. Akikuja lazima atoe pesa mzuri.”

Pesa mzuri? I am living on a really tight budget.

I don’t want to experience a January full of hunger and hardships. I also don’t want to play hard and seek with people in my rural home when I go there in order to avoid dispensing cash like a politician on the campaign trail. The honorable thing to do is just not go.

Like a lot of adults between the ages of 25 and 30, I also want to avoid the “utaoa lini?” question. That’s usually a difficult question to answer if you are not planning to get married anytime in the near future.

If you say you are going to marry soon, it counts as a false promise since the next Christmas might just find you the way you are – single and lonely.

You might also be asked to produce that special person for inspection, valuation and approval. “Mlete tumuone,” they will tell you.

Inspection, valuation and approval are very important in my rural home. If you bring a very skinny lady for example, she is likely to be seen as faulty. They’ll say sijui she can’t carry water, sijui she can’t gather up enough air in her tiny lungs to blow firewood bla bla bla. It is size discrimination I know, but that’s how things work there.

If you are a slim lady who has a crush on me, this should not discourage you.

We can work things out. We can be one of those rebel lovers who vow to stick together no matter what other people think of them.

SPEAKS WHILE BUFFERING

If you say you are not planning to marry anytime soon, you risk being rebuked and given a lecture that’s as complicated as a Calculus class on a Friday afternoon. One of my aunties likes joining in on those lectures. She likes giving advice to relatives. The only problem is that she speaks while buffering. She’s like a YouTube video on low-speed internet. She takes forever to put a point across.

 If you are ailing from a serious case of extended bachelorhood, pastors might even be brought to pray for you and cast out the spell. One of my older brothers had hit 33 without marrying. In fact, he vowed not to marry, claiming that the institution is overrated and that no married couples are ever happy. My grandmother ended up recruiting all the top pastors from neighbouring villages to pray for him. It was like the Avengers of pastors and all of them took turns to place their hands on his head. He now has a wife and two kids.  

Another reason why I won’t be going to my rural home is that I am a born tao who always has a hard time functioning in the village. Unlike here where I wake up every morning knowing exactly what I am going to do, I tend to wake up confused every morning when I am in the village. I feel like an Indo-Pacific bottlenose dolphin when it’s out of the sea. I know this isn’t cool and I should do better. I’ll try, I promise.

So yes, I’ll just be lounging in town over Christmas. Maybe I’ll sneak in and out of ocha around February when people there aren’t on the lookout for town people that happen to be streaming in. Now I just have to come up with solid explanations for my absence.

What are some of the best lies? Any ideas? Help a brother out.

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